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Our CEO appreciates pushback. "The last thing he wants is a bunch of yes men." "Don't be afraid to stand your ground. He respects that." "My plan is to form business units around each product line." PLAN "Excuse me. We tried that once and it didn't work." "You're fired. Leave now." "Cruelty or convenience?" "I needed a cubicle to store my extra binders."
"The first item of business is..." clickety clickety clickety clickety clickety clickety "What's that sound?" clickety clickety clickety clickety "Airplane." "Scooter." "Locusts." "Why does it stop when you talk?" "It landed." "It parked." "They're napping." "Okay...Anyway, I wanted to thank you all for your attendance." clickety clickety clickety clickety "I know you were concerned that my meetings were using up all of the time you had for doing work." clickety clickety clickety clickety clickety "Productivity is up, but apparently we have locusts."
"How was your conference call?" "Very successful. Bill said he'd find a new supplier for the casing." "Or it might have been Ron, Ted, or Bob. They all sound the same on the phone." "I hope it wasn't Bill. He never follows through." "Ron is too overworked, Ted is a liar and Bob's a moron." "I'd say the call was a waste of time. It might even be a huge step backward." "Success is the happy feeling you get between the time you do something and the time you tell a woman what you did."
"We don't have enough chairs." "Why do I always have to get the extra chair?" "I need to borrow your guest chair." "No way." punch punch punch punch punch punch punch "GAAAA!!!" "If you aren't willing to punch a coworker for a chair, you don't belong in this business."
"A business magazine is sending a reporter to interview me." "You?" "They want to learn my best management practices." "That's a little like milking a squirrel because you need butter." "I don't know what that meant, but I like the way it sounded." "Describe your typical day." "Well, let me tell you..." "Sometimes you milk the squirrel, and sometimes the squirrel milks you." "'He is like a zen master. His words are peppered with squirrel-related wisdom.'" THE TIMES
The Boss: "You must learn that change is good." Change is :) "Any questoins?" Wally: "Who wants this one?" Dilbert: "I got it." "Question: Why don't you triple our pay? That would be a change." The Boss: "That would not be in the best interst of shareholders." Dilbert: "Okay, why don't you work for free? That's a change that's good for shareholders." "Or would it be better to admit that change can be very bad?" Wally: "My favorite part was when he yelled, "Stop ruining my slogans with your logic!"" Dilbert: "Snort hee-hee!!!"
Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources "I need to hire an assistant manager." "I want someone similar to me, but slightly worse in every way." "Worse than you??" "Yes, but only slightly." "The ideal candidate wouldn't be a threat to replace me." "I'll check my database of applicants who are both hideous and criminally insane." "I said slightly worse." "Exactly. I found one." "I can pretend to read in five languages." "I hate cats."
I missed the introductions. "I'll use my manager instinct to figure out who's important." "Only a senior executive could get away without looking so disengaged." "I'll mirro his mannerisms so he'll like me." "Now for a witty side comment." "Ha ha! That will happend when monkeys fly our of my nose." "No reaction! He must be so important that he has no sense of humor!" "I pledge my loyalty to you and only you!!!" "I heard that you pledged your loyalty to a daed guy." "At least he won't ask for much."
The Boss: "Carol, the new manager hasn't hired an admin. so I said he could share you." Carol: "What?!!" "I'm drowning in work, and you want to double my load???!!!" The boss: "It's no big deal. Just prioritize your work." "And I need you to fax this." Carol: "No can do." "My top priority is getting the new guy all set up." The Boss: "Hmmm... I guess that's fair. I'll send him over." Carol: "I can't order your business cards, I need to do a huge faxing project!" "Hee hee! Marmaduke is sitting on something again!"
The boss: "Dilbert, come to my office for a minute." Dilbert: "What's in your office?" The boss: "You and I will be there." Dilbert: "If you just want to talk, we can do it right here and save us both some time." The boss: "Maybe we need privacy, did you ever think of that?" Dilbert: "Do we need it?" The Boss: "No, that was just an example. There are many, many reasons why we should talk in my office." Dilbert: "I'll be fascinated to find out what kind of information is geographically dependent." The Boss: "Now, do you have the results from the Benchmark Tests?" Dilbert: "Yup. In my cubicle."