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Headline: Catbert the Evil Director of Human Resources. Catbert sits behind a desk and says, "Hello, head-count." The employee asks, "Am I fired?" Catbert responds, "No, no, no..." Catbert says, "I'd never fire you for making unflattering comments to the press about the company." The employee responds, "Really? Everyone said you're evil." Catbert responds, "Heh, heh, thank you." He pauses and then continues, "But all I'm doing is transferring you to a new job." The employee says, "Gee, that doesn't sound bad." He pauses and then asks, "What is it?" Catbert says, "Our new assembly line is seven inches too low. Your job is to fix it." The employee's head is clamped in a machine. A factory worker is using his legs as a lever with which to operate the machine. The employee thinks, "I'm living for the weekend."
Dilbert points to a slide and says, "As requested, I put together a list of functions we should outsource." Dilbert continues, "I limited my list to things we don't do well." The Boss and Wally listen as Dilbert's voice continues, "Marketing, quality control, engineering, finance, human resources, and customer support." Dilbert says, "That leaves us with our core competence..." Dilbert continues, "... Sitting around a brown table." Dilbert says, "And, of course, our ability to speak honestly without fear of retribution." The Boss says, "You will never get another raise as long as I'm alive." Dilbert responds, "Well, that puts a lot of pressure on the brown table strategy."
Matt: "Hi, I'm Matt. It's my first day here." Dilbert: "I'm Dilbert." "And this is..." Wally: "I'd rather not say." "I prefer to remain anonymous, so you won't feel comfortable asking me for anything later on." Wally: "Here's my card. It's blank." Dilbert: "The phrase that you're least likely to hear today is, 'We're just like family.'" "Are you worried that he'll turn over the card and see your name?" Wally: "No." Dilbert: "Was that MY card?" Wally: "I've been handing them out for years."
Tags #401k plan, #afterlife, #charisma, #evil director, #expected - value basis, #free software upagrdes, #high potential reward, #human resources, #math, #odds seem low, #reward you in aftrelife, #seventy versions, #education, #business
Catbert, the Evil Director of Human Resources." Catbert: "Your 401K Retirement Plan will be replaced with a 401A plan." "The 'A' stands for afterlife." "You'll get no money in this life, but the company will reward you in the afterlife." Dilbert: "The odds of that happening seem low." CatBert: "Yes, but on an expected-value basis, a high potential reward compensates for low odds." "For example, how many free software upgrades would I need to promise you in the afterlife to make you work yourself to death this year?" Dilbert: "Seventy versions." "I resisted his charisma. But he got me with his math."
Boss: "I'd like you to meet Bradley, our new manager of executive compensation." Boss: "Bradley's job is to recommend to our board how much to pay company executives such as me." "Bradley is totally objective." Bradley: "Totally." "That was a world-class observation, so I'll recommend that the company buy you a pony." "...A STRONG pony to carry the huge bags of cash I recommend for you." Boss: "Good work, Bradley. I'll recommend to the board that you get a huge raise!" Dilbert: "Gaaa!! Stop pretending to have reasons!! Just steal the stupid money!!!" Boss: "See what I have to deal with every day?" Bradley: "Would an extra month of vacation reduce the sting?"
Dilbert points to a diagram that reads, "Year 1." He says, "The project got off to a slow start." Dilbert continues, "First we had the reorganization." Dilbert continues, "Then the merger. And the layoffs." Dilbert continues, "Budget freeze. Office relocation." Dilbert continues, "New Ceo, New consultants, New strategy." Business associates listen as Dilbert continues, "Eventually the whole industry changed and the opportunity evaporated." Dilbert continues, "So we classified our unused budget as "savings" and gave everyone a shirt. A female business associate turns to The Boss and says, "You said you'd show us your 'best practices.'" The Boss replies, "What are you implying?"
Tags #engineer of the year, #fly to ny, #receive trophy, #winners, #other companies, #critical time, #name someone lese, #sick day, #sleep, #bathe, #carol, #marketing, #upside awards, #on head, #health, #business
The Boss says to Alice, "Alice, I'm naming you our company's 'Engineer of the Year.'" The Boss continues, "You'll fly to New York and receive a trophy with the winners from other companies." Alice replies, "I'm too busy. Name someone else." The Boss approaches Dilbert. Dilbert says, "That's a critical time for my project." The Boss approaches Asok. Asok says, "I'm flattered but I already have no time for sleeping or bathing." The Boss approaches Wally. Wally says, "I have a sick day scheduled for that Friday." The Boss says to Carol, "Carol, I need you to go to New York and pretend to be an engineer." Carol is standing with other guests at the award party. They have their awards on their heads; one is drinking from his. A guest says to Carol, "Why yes, most of us ARE really from marketing. How can you tell?"
The Boss interrupts a meeting and says, "Dilbert, can you come with me to a meeting?" Dilbert responds, "Actually, no. I'm running this meeting and it took three weeks to get everyone together." Dilbert says, "If I leave now, sixteen people will be wasting their time." Wally says, "I'll cover for you." Dilbert says to Wally, "You will?" Wally replies, "Sure. Just leave your notes and I'll take care of it." Dilbert follows The Boss and says, "What's the meeting about?" The Boss responds, "It's not exactly a meeting." The Boss, "I need someone to drink the crud on the bottom and then brew a fresh pot." Back at the meeting, Wally calls a vote, "All in favor of leaving before he gets back." Everyone raises their hands. Dilbert returns to an empty meeting. He thinks, "It looks like I'll be exaggerating my accomplishments again this year."
Alice addresses a meeting, "If there are no objections, I'd like to start the meeting with a prayer." Asok starts, "I'm a...." Alice prays, "Yea, though I walk through the valley of idiots, I shall fear no downsizing." Asok starts, "But I'm..." Alice continues praying, "For I have a fist of death and highly marketable job skills." Alice continues praying, "But my investment portfolio isn't doing as well as I'd hoped." Alice continues praying, "So, if it's not too much to ask..." Alice continues praying, "I need a higher return so I can escape these clowns." Alice exclaims, "And live in splendor while they stew in their own bile!" After the prayer, The Boss responds, "Maybe we won't do this again." Alice responds, "Whatever you say, heathen."
Handing Dilbert a piece of paper, The Boss says, "Get approval from marketing." Dilbert walks away carrying the paper and followed by a little cloud which says, "Doom." The Marketing man, sitting at his desk, has devil's horns on his head. The marketing man says, "I reject your pathetic plan." Showing the piece of paper, Dilbert asks, "Do you have any interest in knowing what the plan is?" The little cloud that says, "Doom," continues hovering near Dilbert's head. The marketing man says, "Not unless you're proposing to smite my enemies." Dilbert says, "I prefer to call them customers. And yes, they'll take it in the shorts." The little cloud that says, "Doom," continues hovering near Dilbert's head. Dilbert says, "As an added inducement I will give you this cool little Cloud of Doom. The little cloud that says, "Doom," continues hovering near Dilbert's head. The marketing man says to the Cloud of Doom, "I'm going to staple you to my sales projections." The little cloud that says, "Doom," is now hovering near the marketing man's head.