Dont Exist Comic Strips - Page 99

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #touch prototype, #get shock, #must touch, #zap, #second time

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Dilbert is wearing a lab coat and goggles; he's working on a new device. Dilbert says to The Boss, "Don't touch the prototype or you'll get a shock." The Boss thinks, "Must touch." The Boss is shocked into particles, "Zap!!" The Boss is burnt and torn up. Dilbert says, "Don't touch it a second time." The Boss thinks, "Must.. touch.. second.. time."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #are years ago, #this year, #futire, #free soft drinks, #free coffee, #bottled water

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Headline: A Few Years Ago. Catbert says, "The company will no longer provide free soft drinks." Headline: This Year. Catberrt says, "No more free coffee, and no more free bottled water." Headline: In the Future. Catbert is in a space suit. He says, "Don't swallow your saliva."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #new server, #condescending simple version, #full technical explination, #early covislaizations, #no concept of zero

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The Boss: Tell me why you need a new server. and don't give me the condescending simple version for managers. I want a full technical explanation. Dilbert: Early civilizations had no concept of zero. The Boss: Go on.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #billion dollar product line, #designed and launched, #meets expectations, #high expectations, #worng

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"Alice, this year you single-handedly designed and launched a billion dollar line of new products." "For that accomplishment, I give you the highly coveted 'meets expectations' designation!" "Alice, if having high expectations of you is wrong, then I don't want to be right."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #approve plan, #software commitee, #soar like eagles, #millions of dollars, #sidetracked, #eagles, #software, #engineering

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Dilbert: "We can either wait three months for the software committee to approve our plan..." Dilbert: "Or we can soar like eagles, and act without approval, saving millions of dollars!" Dilbert: "Please don't be sidetracked by the analogy." The Boss: "Since when do eagles use software?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #phd degrees, #no common sense, #interview, #job interview, #not good to say

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The Boss: "Wow! You have three masters degrees and a PHD!" "Yes, it's all very impressive, but interestingly, I have no common sense whatsoever." "That's not the sort of thing you should say during a job interview." "I don't see why not."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #top priority, #smoldering mound, #rubble, #career, #didn't like, #desk

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The Boss: "Dilbert, take care of this. It's our top priority." Dilbert: "Sure. I'll just let m other priorities slip until my career is a smoldering mound of rubble." dilbert: "So what is it?" The Boss: "I don't know.. I just didn't like it on my desk."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #engineer, #moved to marketing, #lisa, #old apple computer, #old wife, #engineering

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Man: I was an engineer before I moved to marketing. Now I don't remember how to turn on my lisa, Dilbert: You have an old lisa computer from apple? Man: Old wife.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #profitability, #year 3, #key revenue, #comet strike oil, #crashes through wall, #abstractions, #presentation

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Dilbert: "As requested, I wrote the business plan to show profitability by year three." Dilbert: "The key revenue assumption is that an armored car crashes through that wall and spills its contents." "And don't stand where the comet is assumed to strike oil."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #management retreat, #hawaii, #how many employees, #down size, #pay of trip, #against helicopter ride

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The boss: "The management retreat in Hawaii was productive." "We calculated how many employees we needed to downsize to pay for the trip." Ted: "Don't blame me, Ted. I voted against the third helicopter ride."