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tina: i have something funny to show you. just give me a minute to find it on my phone. dilbert thinking: what's the protocol in this situation? should i just sit here and stare at her pawing at her phone? i can't talk because she's focused on her task. and it would be rude to walk away. would it be an insult to look at my own phone and mentally check out from this useless interaction? tina: ah! i found it! dilbert: okay, good. tina: wait, that's not the right one. dilbert: is this why people fake their own deaths?
alice: our internal processes are so inefficient that we can't get products to market before they are obsolete. boss: i'll create a multidisciplinary task force to look into it. alice: you want to use an inefficient system to fix an inefficient system? boss: it's called fighting fire with fire.
co-worker: i can't support this project because you're all a bunch of corrupt, godless communists. dilbert: just out of curiosity, where did you get your education? co-worker: i learned everything i need to know on social media. dilbert: how does that help you evaluate a technical proposal? co-worker: it's simple. i take one look at all of your faces, and i know everything i need to know. co-worker looking at wally: i mean, look at this guy's face. he's obviously a grifter. wally: lucky guess. co-worker looking at alice: this one obviously has anger issues. dilbert: i demand a larger sample size! co-worker: whatever geek face.
boss: i just learned it's illegal to sell armed drones to private citizens. how many orders did we get since we started selling them this morning? dilbert: seventy million. boss: i'll look into bribing someone to change the law.
boss: i was going to give this assignment to alice, but i know she would complain about it. dilbert reading paper: i don't want it either. boss: do you plan to complain about it later? dilbert: not to your face. boss: problem solved.
dogbert: i discovered a way to make time stand still. dilbert: that isn't possible. dogbert: i'll prove it. i just need to find something on my phone and show it to you. looking... looking... here it is! wait... no, that isn't it. looking... looking... dilbert distressed: gaaa! i'm so bored watching you look through your phone!!! time is standing still! you win...and i hate you. dogbert: totally worth it.
office worker: what's the b.r.a. on that? dilbert: jus? office worker: you look dumb in front of everyone for not knowing b.r.a. stands for business risk assessment. we'll probably mock you behind your back. dilbert talking to the boss: i don't think your teamwork exercises are working.
boss: i'm concerned that storing my personal information in the cloud is not safe. dilbert: don't be such a worrier. i'm sure we can trust the people who manage those systems to keep us safe. somewhere in the cloud dogbert: hee-hee! look at the browser history on this bunion-having loser.
dogbert: i've designed these over-ear headphones for maximum customer annoyance. the charging port is only on one side, so the user has a fifty percent chance of guessing wrong. and the charger only fits if you put it right-side up. to increase the frustration, i made the plug look the same on both sides. best of all, the plug is so poorly designed that half the time it doesn't seem to fit, even when you put it in correctly. i made the headphones black, so you can't easily find the charger hole in low light. ninety percent of users will be cursing us every time they try to recharge. customers won't know any of this until after they purchase. boss: ship it.
boss on cell phone: we need to do spring cleaning. delete any data on our servers that make us look like white-collar criminals or drunken baboons. dilbert: all that leaves is our birthday list. boss through phone line: torch that too.