Show Himself Out Comic Strips - Page 99

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View 981 - 990 results for show himself out comic strips. Discover the best "Show Himself Out" comics from Dilbert.com.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #low morale, #monkey at zoo, #fling shit, #survey, #request for survey

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The Boss says to Carol, "Carol, put together a survey to find out why morale is so low." Carol responds, "Survey?!! You could ask any monkey at the zoo what the problem is." The Boss is talking to a monkey through zoo bars. The Boss says, "Do NOT fling that. I repeat..."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #need to know, #basis, #crawl space, #underhouse, #news, #don't believe news, #fake news

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Dilbert is sitting on his couch. Dogbert approaches and says, "I'm putting you on a strict 'need to know' basis." Dogbert continues, "And stay out of the crawl space under the house." Dogbert continues, "And don't believe anything you see in the news for about six months."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #elbonians, #classified ad, #nuclear war head, #russian craftsmanship, #third world countries, #slingshot, #hundred yards

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Two Elbonians show up at Dilbert's house door. Dogbert opens. An Elbonian says, "We saw your classified ad for a nuclear warhead." Dogbert says, "It's genuine Russian craftsmanship, ideal for menacing other third-world countries." An Elbonian responds, "Sweet." An Elbonian holds the warhead and says, "Our slingshot can fling this a hundred yards. Is that enough?" Dogbert looks at their briefcase full of money and says, "That's plenty."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #restructed, #repurposed, #reassigned, #volunteered to quit

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The Boss says to Ted, "Ted, you have ten seconds to decide if you want to be restructured, repurposed, or reassigned." Ted exclaims, "Repurposed! No, wait.. restructured.. No, reassigned! No, repurposed!" Catbert asks The Boss, "How many people volunteered to quit and didn't know?" The Boss responds, "Two out of Three!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #cash balance, #pension plan, #make more competetive, #good for young emplyees, #not good for old, #change back

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Wally, Catbet, Dilbert, Alice and Asok are in a meeting. Catbert says: "We're changing to a cash balance pension plan." Catbert says: "It will make the company much more competitive." Asok is sitting between an elder co-worker and Alice, Asok says: "Yippee!!! A cash balance plan is good for young employees!" The older employee stands up and says angrily to Asok: "Oh, yeah? Well it's not so good for me!" The older employee says: "I demand that you change it back!" Asok screams: "No!" The older employee throws himself on top of Asok who raises his arms in defense. The older employee says: "I'll snap you like a dried twig, you little zygote!" Asok says: "Ouch! Stop clubbing me with your artificial hip!!" Wally, Catbert and Dilbert watch the fight with no reaction. Wally says to Catbert and Dilbert: "On the plus side, they do seem more competitive."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #marketing to planning meeting, #sabotage implementation, #hose the plan, #implementation, #same reason for children

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Dilbert is at the Boss's desk. The Boss tells Dilbert: "Don't invite marketing to the planning meeting." Dilbert replies: "If I don't, they'll sabotage the implementation." The Boss says: "Yes, but if you DO include them in the planning..." Dilbert finishes the Boss's thought: "...they'll hose the plan?" The Boss confirms Dilbert's statement: "Exactly." The Boss continues: "And they'll still botch the implementation." Dilbert asks: "If we know it's doomed, why do we bother?" The Boss answers: "It's the same reason I had kids." Dilbert thinks to himself while walking away: "At least there is a reason."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #disgram, #shares connected, #lines, #impressive words, #synchronized space, #presentation, #experiment, #disturbing, #science

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Dilbert is carrying-out a presentation. He is standing in front of the attendees, next to a diagram. He says: "I'd like to start with a diagram." He points at the diagram and explains: "It's a bunch of shapes connected by lines." He continues: "Now I will say some impressive words." He says: "Synchronized Incremental Digital Integrated Dynamic E-Commerce Space." He asks: "Any questions?" One of the attendees raises his hand and asks: "May I have a copy of your presentation?" Dilbert stands alone, surrounded by white space and silence. He arrives home and tells Dogbert: "The results of my experiment are disturbing."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #dozen bugs, #bugs in software, #fix for 20k, #defective porduct, #evil euphria, #no choice, #making fortune, #single source tsrategy

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Dilbert tells a salesman: "We found a dozen bugs in the software you sold us." The salesman answers: "We can fix these bugs for $20,000. Dilbert is shocked: "What?" Dilber says: "You can't charge us to fix you own defective product!" The salesman laughs boisterously. He explains: "Sorry...I was overcome by an evil euphoria." Dilbert says: "I guess we have to pay. We have no choice!" Reaching for his cell-phone, the salesman says: "Excuse me." The salesman speaks into his cell-phone: "Put more bugs in the software! I'm making a fortune out here!" Dilbert thinks: "I'm starting to question our single source strategy."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #cleaned tool shed, #running tally, #time waster, #frozen snake, #shovel, #five years one day

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The Boss says to Alice, "This weekend I cleaned out my tool shed." Alice hits a stop watch, "Click." The Boss asks, "What's that for?" Alice responds, "I keep a running tally of how much of my time you waste." The Boss continues, "...And I thought it was a frozen snake but it was actually a shovel!" Alice looks at her clock and mutters, "Five years, one day."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #camouflage suit, #cubicle wall, #make tie, #don't be afraid

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Wally's head is floating in a cubicle wall. Dilbert sees him, drops his coffee, and exclaims, "Gaaa!" Wally responds, "Don't be afraid." Wally says, "I made a camouflage suit out of cubicle-wall fabric. Heh, Heh." Dilbert says, "You need a mask too." Wally responds, "I ran out of material. It was a mistake to make a tie."