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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 11, 2007's comic on:


Tags #sales engineer, #making sale, #install, #few extra features, #massage table, #sprawl, #get naked

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Sales Engineer Sales engineer: I did the hard part of making the sale. All you have to do is install it. I might have promised them a few extra features. Did you bring your own massage table or should I just get naked and sprawl on a desk?

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 05, 2007's comic on:


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Have you signed Ted's get well card yet? "Don't leave that here. Ted passed away two weeks ago. How long have you had the card on your desk?" "Have you signed Ted's get well card yet?" "Put it on the pile."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 14, 2012's comic on:


Tags #interviews, #resume, #piece of work, #lie, #exaggeration, #mispelling, #bad format, #failed prodcuts, #salsa dancer, #applicants resume, #handsome fellow, #busted

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Boss: Take a look at this resume. Alice: Ha ha! This guy is a piece of work! Lie... lie... exaggeration... misspelling... bad format... worked on failed products. Ooh! He's also a champion salsa dancer. What a tool! Wait. Why aren't you joining in the traditional mocking of the applicant's resume? Dilbert: I'm waiting to find out if he's the handsome fellow standing behind you. Alice: Scoot over. You're blocking my view of a handsome guy.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 20, 2013's comic on:


Tags #schedule, #boos, #secretary, #desk, #inquiry, #glare, #time alotted

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The Boss; whats on my schedule? Carol: For the next five minutes you're scheduled to glare at me like an idiot. Carol: Four minutes to go.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 04, 2008's comic on:


Tags #travel expenses, #meal costs, #liar or worse, #round numbers, #finance troll, #papers, #office, #computer, #desk, #technology

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Finance troll: Your travel expenses are rejected because all of your meal costs are round numbers. Either you are a liar or worse. Dilbert: I decide what to order based on what totals to a round number after a 15% tip. Finance: That's worse.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 29, 2008's comic on:


Tags #300 iq, #computer, #convincing people, #desk, #evil director, #human resources, #nobel prize, #track record, #unix, #technology, #business

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Catbert, the evil director of human resources, posts a job opening. Requirements: Candidate must have an I.Q. of 300, two centuries of unix experience and a track record of winning nobel prizes. "90% of my job is convincing people they don't deserve theirs."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 24, 2008's comic on:


Tags #flatten hair, #important document, #option, #put on head happy, #unique filing, #clutter

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Dilbert: Where can I put this important document so it won't get lost in your desk clutter? Carol: I'll flatten my hair so you can leave it on top of my head. Are you happy? Dilbert: I didn't know happy was an option."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 19, 2010's comic on:


Tags #futurists, #baby boomers, #retire, #coffee, #standing

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Wally says, "Futurists say that when baby boomers start retiring in big numbers, you won't be able to fill critical job openings." Wally says, "If you agree to let me slack off now, I'll give you a few good years when I'm sixty." The Boss says, "What if you renege?" Wally says, "That's a risk I'm willing to take."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 25, 2010's comic on:


Tags #standing, #project, #coffee, #matter

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The Boss says, ?Another division needs your help for a six-month project.? Dilbert says, ?Who will do my work here?? The Boss says, ?You'll keep doing this job too, but only the things that matter.? Dilbert says, ?How long have I been doing things that don't matter?? The Boss says, ?Oops.?

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 26, 2010's comic on:


Tags #human resources, #acid, #vat, #toxic fumes, #standing on chair, #scared, #business

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CATBERT: EVIL DIRECTOR OF HUMAN RESOURCES Catbert says, ?Ted, I'm transferring you to a job with a higher risk of industrial accidents.? Catbert says, ?Your job will involve reaching over a vat of acid while wearing no safety harness.? Ted says, ?Why do we have a vat of acid?? Catbert says, ?Because toxic fumes take forever.?