Capture And Optimize Comic Strips
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17 Results for Capture And Optimize
View 1 - 10 results for capture and optimize comic strips. Discover the best "Capture And Optimize" comics from Dilbert.com.
Monday June 11,
2007
Tags #mapped and gapped, #consolidate, #program of work, #maximize synergy, #capture and optimize, #resource utilization, #requirements
Transcript
Wally: "This week I mapped and gapped the requirements to consolidate everything into a program of work..." "...to maximize synergy capture and optimize our resource utilization." "If any of that sounded like work, I'll do some more of it next week."
Monday June 03,
1996
Tags #highly fragmented, #optimize heard drive, #vague, #one gig hard drive, #pentium processor
Transcript
Dilbert walks into the office building carrying a laptop computer in a case. A security guard with a huge head says to Dilbert, "Halt and submit to the mind scan of 'Brainitor, the Guardian of Security.'" Brainitor closes his eyes, puts his hands on his head and says, "The bag contains one computer . . . 'Pentium' processor . . . one gig hard drive . . . highly fragmented . . ." Brainitor continues, "Please wait while I optimize your hard disk . . ." Dilbert says, "This is vaguely unsettling."
Saturday May 01,
1999
Tags #hidden camera, #capture theief, #raining cubicles, #human form, #grainy picture
Transcript
Dilbert slips a tape into a VCR as the boss watches. Dilbert says, "I used a hidden camera to capture the thief who's been raiding our cubicles." The picture on the TV screen is the boss. The boss says, "The picture is grainy but I can almost make out a human form... or maybe a cat."
Monday November 13,
2000
Tags #gigantic database, #customer behavior, #information, #non linear math, #data mining technology, #optimize retail channels, #spam, #meeting here
Transcript
The Boss says to Dilbert, "We have a gigantic database full of customer behavior information." Dilbert says, "Excellent. We can use non-linear math and data mining technology to optimize our retail channels!" The Boss says to Dilbert, "If that's the same thing as spam, we're having a good meeting here."
Friday October 04,
2002
Tags #vendor, #integrates, #resources, #optimize, #performance, #technology, #integrated
Transcript
Headline: The Vendor That Couldn't Describe His Company's Product. A salesman says, "It integrates the resources..." The salesman continues, "To optimize the performance of technology." Dilbert asks, "Yeah, but what is it?" The salesman responds, "Hey, if you don't want your resources to be integrated, just say so."
Tuesday March 12,
2013
Tags #exploitation, #work ethic, #territorial mud, #web page, #forced labor camps, #current job, #capture canadian
Transcript
Elbonian: Halt! You have entered the territorial mud of North Elbonia! I'll text you a link to a web page about our forced labor camps. You might like them. Dilbert: This looks better than my current job. Elbonian: No rush, but I have an appointment to capture a Canadian at eleven.
Tuesday November 16,
2010
Tags #meetings, #question, #nonsense, #optimize, #value stream, #surprise, #talk, #listening
Transcript
Wally says, "Are you leveraging our resources to optimize the client value stream?" Asok says, "What?" Wally says, "I'm just messing with you? Nothing I say in meetings actually means anything." Asok says, "Then why do you talk?" Wally says, "I tried listening once. It was awful."
Sunday June 08,
2008
Tags #really show, #camera, #capture failures, #humiliations, #dull act of insignificance, #fill void, #fathering children, #being famous
Transcript
Dogbert says, "I decided to produce a reality show about your life." Dilbert says, "What?" Dogbert says, "The cameras will follow you around and capture all of your failures and humiliations." Dilbert says, "Why would I agree to that?" Dogbert says, "Because you suffer from the dull ache of insignificance." Dogbert says, "You can only fill the horrible void in your soul by fathering children or being famous." Dilbert says, "Maybe I prefer to have children." Dogbert says, "And maybe you prefer to flap your ears and fly to Mars." Dogbert says, "Do you see where I'm going with this?" BOP A cameraman says, "Sorry."
Wednesday September 06,
1995
Tags #inspirational poster, #animal research, #beautiful scene, #nightly eagle swoop
Transcript
The Boss says to Ratbert, "My inspirational posters aren't working. I need to do some animal research, Ratbert." Ratbert answers, "Ready!!" The Boss holds up the poster and asks, "In this beautiful scene we see a mighty eagle swooping down to capture its prey. What is your reaction?" Ratbert shakes in fear. The Boss thinks, "I think it's working." Ratbert screams, "Run for it, mom!!!"
Friday August 16,
1996
Tags #Dogbert, #career counselor, #enough people quit, #best startegy, #convince coworkers, #video, #exact moment, #life force, #leaves body
Transcript
Wally sits across from Dogbert's desk and Dogbert sits on the desk. Dogbert says, "The company won't lay you off if enough people quit first." Dogbert continues, "Your best strategy is to convince your co-workers that their jobs are intolerable." Wally shines a flashlight on Asok and points a video camera at him. Wally says, "We do this for all the young employees, Asok. I'll capture the exact moment that your life force leaves your body."