Boss: The company makes me rank all of my employees. I put you last because you're not an engineer. I have to fire whoever is ranked lowest, and I can't afford to lose any engineers. Tina; What if I work harder, and do a great job? Boss: Then I'd fire you for not being a team player.
Man: What kinds of classes should I take to become an engineer? Alice: Start by taking whatever kind of class makes you fifty percent smarter. Man: Then what? Alice: Then you won't need to ask me what to do next.
dilbert: i took allergy meds last night, and now i have brain fog. my i.q. is about 50% of normal capacity.
boss: whoo-hoo! i'm smarter than an engineer!
dilbert: not quite. i'm only down by 50%.
boss: i'm promoting you to the position of "master engineer."
dilbert: i'm already senior engineer.
boss: now you're a master engineer. with all the rights and responsibilities that come with it.
dilbert: such as...?
boss: well, for example, you can do more kinds of work.
dilbert: for more pay?
boss: no. no. no! you're thinking of "platinum level" engineers. you're not on of those.
dilbert: that comes next?!
boss: optimism is not an attractive quality.
Dilbert: I was holding a virtual meeting using the cloud and...
Therapist: you're already dead and you don't know it.
Dilbert: um...no im an engineer.
Therapist: and yet your should had a meeting in a cloud. Interesting.
Dilbert: my people call it an avatar.
Dilbert says, "I can't stop voicing my honest opinions. It's causing problems at work." Doctor says, "According to your medical records, you're an engineer. We classify that as a disease now." Man says, "Gaaa!!! You haven't had your pon farr vaccination." Dilbert says, "Is it warm in here?"
Carol: Have you met the new engineer? He's a gigantic dork. You two would get along great. I'll email him to set up a date with you. Is tomorrow good? Dilbert: Being a dork is not a romantic preference. Carol: He says he'll bring his "Star Wars" chess set.
Dilbert: If consumers hate our new product, we will probably go out of business. If they love our new product, a stronger company will enter the space and drive us out of business. CEO: Tell the engineer to stop making me sad. Boss: I have some fake revenue projections to cheer you up.
Dilbert: Okay, this next decision involves six variables, four imbeciles, and one brilliant engineer. According to the Dogbert complexity algorithm, it is impossible to make a rational decision in this situation. All in favor of giving up? Boss: I found out I'm a brilliant engineer.
Woman: Please stop researching every statement I make. Dilbert: I can't. As an engineer, it is my solemn duty to stamp out ignorance. Woman: That's not a real thing. Dilbert: See for yourself. I just Googled it.
