Listens Emplyees Comic Strips

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43 Results for Listens Emplyees

View 1 - 10 results for listens emplyees comic strips. Discover the best "Listens Emplyees" comics from Dilbert.com.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 30, 1991's comic on:


Tags #Dilbert, #cabaret, #liza, #minneli, #walkman, #sony, #musical, #doctor, #doctors office

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A man with a stethoscope listens to Dilbert's breathing and says, "Cough." Dilbert coughs. The man says, "Sing 'Life is a Cabaret' like Liza Minneli." Dilbert asks, "Why?" The man replies, "I left my Sony Walkman at home."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 25, 1992's comic on:


Tags #Dilbert, #mishap, #hair, #grown, #formula, #strong, #urge, #sunglasses, #porsche

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Dilbert lies on a couch in a therapist's office. Dilbert says as the psychiatrist listens and takes notes, "Things have been strange since the mishap with my hair growth formula." Dilbert continues, "I have a strong urge to buy sunglasses and drive a Porsche . . ." Dilbert continues, "And I worry that people won't take me seriously." The psychologist has drawn a picture of Dilbert on her notepad.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 20, 1992's comic on:


Tags #Dogbert, #marriage, #counselor, #fight, #squeeze, #tube, #toothpaste, #empty, #rug, #bottom, #hog, #blankets, #snort, #animal, #behavior, #pig

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Dogbert sits in a chair holding a pen and a pad of paper. Dogbert listens as a patient says, "We have a running fight over how to squeeze the tube of toothpaste." A man who is sitting next to a woman who looks like a pig says, "I like to squeeze it from the bottom. She prefers to empty the tube on the rug and roll around in it." Dogbert asks, "At night, does she 'hog' the blankets and snort?" The man replies, "Wow, it's like you know her."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 23, 1995's comic on:


Tags #turning est, #artificial software, #repsonse, #on screen, #computer, #staretgy, #visonize, #enhance earnings, #motivate emplyees, #improve focus, #opportunity, #opinions, #redefine, #technology

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A man tells Dilbert, "You'll be performing a 'Turing test' on our new artificial intelligence software." Dilbert sits at a desk. The researcher continues, "Try to determine if the responses on your screen come from our computer or a human in the next room." Dilbert says, "I'll ask it to write a strategy for our company." The computer responds, "Our strategy is to visionize quality resources that enhance earnings." Dilbert thinks, "Hmm." Dilbert says, "I'll ask it how to motivate employees." The computer response says, "Reorganize often to improve focus. Redefine work as 'opportunity' and increase it daily. Take time to ask for opinions then explain why they're wrong." Dilbert tells the researcher, "It must be a computer because there's no human intelligence. Unless . . ." Dilbert looks into the next room and sees the Boss sitting at a computer. Dilbert says, "Nice try, boss."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 07, 1995's comic on:


Tags #catbert the hr director, #invent illogical policies, #annoy emplyees, #diabolical dress code, #question sanity, #casual clothes, #wally insane

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Catbert is at his desk. He thinks, "I think I'll invent some illogical policies to annoy employees." Catbert continues thinking, "My diabolical new dress code will make them question their own sanity." Reading a document, Dilbert tells Wally, ". . . So, casual clothes DON'T lower our stock value . . . but only if worn on Fridays . . . unless somebody sees us . . . Got it?" Wally puts his hands on his head and replies, "I think I'm insane."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 14, 1996's comic on:


Tags #such cubicle enviroment, #regular emplyees, #enjoy, #sharing cubicle, #co ops, #new co op, #lasted a day, #fit in

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The Boss walks down the hall with a new employee. The Boss says, "As a co-op employee, you can't expect the same lush cubicle environment that the regular employees enjoy." The Boss brings the man to a cubicle filled with people lying on top of each other. The Boss says, "You'll be sharing this cubicle with our other co-ops." Dilbert says to Alice, "I heard that the new co-op only lasted one day." Alice quips, "He didn't fit in."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 20, 1996's comic on:


Tags #small fonts, #save disk space, #semi colons, #colons, #was fun, #new ideas, #next staff meeting

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Dilbert listens as Asok says to the Boss, "My idea is that everyone should be required to use small fonts. That way we'll save disk space." Asok continues, "And I've noticed that many people use entire colons in situations where a semicolon would do just fine." As they walk away, Asok says to Dilbert, "You're right, that was fun." Dilbert replies, "The real fun is when he describes his new ideas at the next staff meeting."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 11, 1996's comic on:


Tags #strategic alliance, #doomed, #inefficient managemnet, #create competing compnay, #must find, #new company, #strategic allainace

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Dilbert stands in front of an overhead projector and points at a skull and crossbones diagram. Dilbert says, "The status of our strategic alliance is 'doomed.'" Dilbert continues while the Boss listens, "Our ponderous and inefficient management style caused their best people to quit and create a competing company." The Boss says, "We must find a way to destroy that new company." Dilbert replies, "I'll see if they're interested in a strategic alliance."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 20, 1997's comic on:


Tags #tips from headquarters, #long distance, #short words, #cheap boss, #save money, #dumb ideas, #swiss trip, #curse words

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The Boss, Wally, Dilbert and Alice sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "Here are some money-saving tips from headquarters." The Boss reads from a list, "'When calling long distance, use short words." The Boss continues to read, "'If everyone did this, our fifty-billion dollar company could save nine hundred dollars per year.'" The Boss reads, "'Tip two: For faxes, use Sans Serif fonts. They transmit faster. Annual saving could exceed three hundred dollars." The Boss says, "Next item on the agenda, remember I'll be in Switzerland next week on a fact-finding trip." The Boss continues, "If you need to call me at my four star hotel, be sure to use short words." Dilbert whispers to Alice, "You might want to save those short words until he's on his clue-finding trip." The Boss stands in his hotel room in Switzerland. He holds the phone and listens to someone cursing on the other end. He says, "Those are NOT all short words."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 01, 1997's comic on:


Tags #ads, #bad opinions, #capatalism, #cardboard tube, #free, #internet, #people, #something free, #greedy corporations, #technology

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Dogbert listens to an in-duh-vidual who says, "The Internet should be free. Why should I have to pay some greedy corporation or look at ads??!!" Dogbert says, "I will now use this cardboard tube to explain the intricacies of capitalism." The in-duh-vidual lies on the floor with stars floating around his head. Dogbert says, "Lesson One: This was something that should be free.