Non Existent Software Comic Strips

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355 Results for Non Existent Software

View 1 - 10 results for non existent software comic strips. Discover the best "Non Existent Software" comics from Dilbert.com.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 07, 1989's comic on:


Tags #embarrassment, #restaurant, #fancy

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Dilbert and Dogbert enter a restaurant called "Chez de Whales." Dilbert says, "This is a very fancy place, Dogbert, so don't embarrass me." Dilbert tells the maitre d', "Uh . . . Two please. Non-smoking." The maitre d' replies, "I'm afraid, monsieur, that jackets are required." The maitre d' says, "You may wear these complimentary house jackets while you dine." The maitre d' continues, "You must also wear these beaver hats and clown feet." Dilbert and Dogbert put on the jackets and hats. The maitre d' says, "Next time messieurs will remember their jackets." Dogbert says, "Looks like we narrowly avoided embarrassment."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 29, 1989's comic on:


Tags #Dogbert, #Dilbert, #cds, #account, #push-ups, #exercise, #glasses, #david packard, #bank, #bank account

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Dilbert says, "They were rude to me at the bank again, Dogbert." Dilbert points to the door and says, "I've had enough . . . Sic 'em, boy!!" Dogbert walks into the bank. Dogbert tells a woman, "Hi. I'm David Packard; billionaire founder of Hewlett-Packard." Dogbert sits at the woman's desk and continues, ". . . And I'd like to put all of my money into one of your non-interest bearing accounts." The woman replies, "You're not David Packard. You're just a dreadful little dog with glasses." The woman says, "Then again . . . I've never seen a picture of David Packard . . . I'd better open the account." Dogbert says, "Very good. Now give me fifty push-ups or I'll take my business elsewhere."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 02, 1990's comic on:


Tags #Dilbert, #michael, #microchip, #computer, #display, #screen, #internet, #online, #software, #computer software

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Michael: Let me show you a round the inside of your computer. Dilbert: Neat! Michael: Here's where we generate the hypnotic signals for your display screen. Dilbert: Why? Michael: To make you think you need more computers. Dilbert: Good lord, you've learned to reproduce!

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 08, 1991's comic on:


Tags #rabert, #mystery, #dilbert's, #necktie, #non-analytical, #hundred, #ties, #brain, #power

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Dogbert says to Ratbert, "Ratbert, I need your help to solve the mystery of Dilbert's necktie." Ratbert says, "Gosh, Dogbert, most of my work at the lab is the non-analytical type. Sure, I've eaten a few hundred ties, but who hasn't?" Dogbert says, "It's not your brain power that I need." Ratbert asks, "Can we solve this with my good looks alone?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 11, 1992's comic on:


Tags #Dilbert, #flowers, #woman, #non-refundable, #date, #deposit, #diskette, #dating, #history, #personal, #references, #financial, #disclosure, #rejection, #notice, #verbal

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Dilbert hands a woman flowers and says, "Here are the flowers and the non-refundable date deposit." Dilbert hands the woman a diskette and says, "This diskette has my dating history, personal references and full financial disclosure." Dilbert asks, "When may I expect the rejection notice?" The woman replies, "I can give you a verbal now . . ."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 28, 1993's comic on:


Tags #Dilbert, #break, #restroom, #mingle, #dryer, #delay, #impenitrable, #agenda, #alone, #Dogbert, #work

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Dilbert sits in a meeting. The speaker says, "Let's take a ten-minute break." Dilbert thinks, "Uh-oh." Dilbert thinks, "I've got to use the restroom and get back before all the mingle groups have solidified." Dilbert stands in the bathroom and thinks, "Uh no, it's an air dryer, an unexpected delay!" Dilbert returns to the room and thinks, "I'm too late. All the minglers have formed impenetrable groups." Dilbert thinks, "I'll pretend to study the agenda so it looks like I have a reason to be alone." Dilbert thinks, "Everybody knows it doesn't take this long to read an agenda. Now what do I do??" Beads of sweat fly off Dilbert's forehead and he tugs on his tie. He thinks, "I've got to stand here alone, totally non-mingled, for five more minutes." Dilbert arrives at home looking disheveled. Dogbert asks, "Tough day at work?" Dilbert replies, "Just the breaks."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 22, 1993's comic on:


Tags #Dilbert, #class, #career, #social, #life, #engineer, #bonanza, #ladies, #field, #video games, #devices, #non-engineer

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Dilbert stands in front of a classroom of children saying, "And don't forget the social life that comes with being an engineer." Dilbert continues, "Ninety percent of all engineers are guys, so it's a bonanza of dating opportunities for the ladies who enter the field." Dilbert continues, "For the men, there are these little video game devices . . ." A little girl raises her hand and asks, "Would I be allowed to date a non-engineer?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 25, 1993's comic on:


Tags #Dilbert, #the boss, #statistics, #productivity, #computers, #software, #program, #conclusion, #produced, #impressive, #crashed, #decline, #responsible, #scapegoat

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Dilbert stands across from the Boss's desk and says, "Government statistics show that office productivity went DOWN as computers became widely used." Dilbert continues, "But I didn't believe it." Dilbert says, "So I wrote a little software program to test that conclusion." Dilbert continues, "It only tood a month, but it produced some impressive data." Dilbert continues, "In fact, it was so impressive it took a week to figure out how to print it." Dilbert continues, "But before I could print, my computer crashed and I didn't have backup copies." Dilbert concludes, "So, it seems the government was right; computers are to blame for the decline in productivity." The Boss asks, "Do you think the employees could be partly responsible?" Dilbert replies, "Sure, find a scapegoat."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 05, 1993's comic on:


Tags #Dilbert, #the boss, #business project, #business meeting, #aruba

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Wally and Dilbert stand at the Boss's desk. The Boss says, "Dilbert, I want you to manage Wally's project while he's on vacation in Aruba." The Boss thinks, "Let the shirk-fest games begin." Dilbert asks, "Isn't that the week when everything is due?" Wally says, "Coincidence." Dilbert says to Wally, "Maybe you could change your plans." Wally holds up his airline tickets and says, "Non-refundable tickets right here!" Dilbert says, "The project can't be important if you won't change your plans." Wally thinks, "He's GOOD." Dilbert tells the Boss, "I'll be happy to add Wally's project to the bottom of my pile and let it fail with Wally's name on it." Dilbert tells Wally, "When you're in Aruba, study the waiters carefully - it's probably your new career." The Boss thinks, "Two free tickets to Aruba - I win."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 01, 1994's comic on:


Tags #saint dogbert, #technology, #demons, #stupidity, #make command, #easy to remeber, #software developer

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Saint Dogbert seeks out technology that has been possessed by the demons of stupidity. He Happens across a software developer. Man: I'll make the command easier to remember like CTRL- ALT-F4-DEL" and if they forget that they can just edit the source code in command. com perfect Dogbert: out! out!