Accused Of Stealing Comic Strips
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Dilbert puts a coin in a newspaper machine and thinks, "Sometimes I get this wicked urge to take two newspapers and only pay for one." Dilbert looks behind him and thinks, "What's the worst that can happen? Besides, this machine ate my money last time." Dilbert looks at a newspaper. On the front page is a picture of him stealing the newspaper and the headline says, "Thief!"
Dilbert sits in his chair watching a television news report. The newscaster says, "And in national news . . ." The newscaster continues, "Critics today accused the management of Megaslime Corporation of being hideous reptilian aliens bent on enslaving the earth." The newscaster continues, "A spokesman for the company denied the charge." Dilbert says, "Whew!"
The caption says, "Jury selection." A lawyer says, "My client is accused of killing twelve people just like you folks." The attorney continues, "The alleged victims were all part of a previous jury who doubted my client's innocence." The jury members look horrified. The lawyer says, "This jury is acceptable to the defense."
The defense lawyer says to the jury, "My client has been accused of the most heinous crimes." The attorney points to a man holding an ax and wearing an executioner's hat. The attorney asks, "But does this look like a person who could kill??" Dogbert, who is sitting next to Dilbert, raises his hand and says, "Ooh! Ooh! I know this one!!"
Dilbert asks the cleaning man, "And your name is . . . ?" The man replies, "Call me Mr. Tidy." Dilbert says, "The agency says you're experienced." The man replies, "Yeah, I've cleaned out some of the nicer homes in this area." The man continues, "The best thing here is to load your possessions into my van and I'll clean 'em at my place." Dilbert asks, "Will that cost me extra?"
The caption says, "Dilbert the Vigilante." Dilbert says to Dogbert, "When I get home from work, we'll track down the man who robbed our house and make him pay!!" At work, a man with a mohawk haircut, an eyepatch and clothes like Dilbert's sits at Dilbert's desk. Dilbert thinks, "No! It's the robber at my desk. He's stealing my job too!" Dilbert says to the Boss, "He's an impostor. Look at his hair!" The Boss replies, "We thought you'd been in a street fight with Vidal Sassoon."
Dogbert stands in front of the bench and says to a judge, "Your Honor, my client has been accused of slaying an executive of his company . . ." Dogbert holds up an x-ray image and continues, "But these x-rays prove that the deceased died from choking on a waffle." The judge says, "It looks like you drew these x-rays yourself." Dogbert replies, "Oh, I suppose there's a law against THAT, too!"
Dogbert stands in front of a judge's bench in a courtroom. The judge says, "I find you guilty of stealing millions in an insider trading scheme." The judge says, "Let's see . . . According to my sliding scale of justice, the punishment at your income is . . . Hmm . . ." Back at home, Dilbert sits in his chair and Dogbert stands on the hassock. Dogbert says, "I'm sentenced to be the subject of a Kitty Kelly biography."
A man looks in a cabinet marked "Office Supplies." The man thinks, "Wow! A fresh shipment!" Dilbert watches as the man stuffs supplies in his shirt. The man thinks, "Mine! All mine!" Dilbert says to the man, "While you were up, someone took your desk."
Dilbert and a woman sit on a grassy hill. The woman says, "Dilbert, I think it would be better if we were just friends." Dilbert says, "Okay." The woman thinks, "Okay?? He took it too easy. I should bargain for more." The woman says, "I mean . . . Friends with OTHER people. You and I would just be acquaintances." Dilbert replies, "Okay." The woman thinks, "Still too easy. I can get more." The woman says, "I don't mean the kind of acquaintances that could become friends . . . It would be more like you were an ex-employee of mine." Dilbert replies, "Okay." The woman says, "Yeah, that's it. You can be my ex-butler, who I fired for stealing stuff." Dilbert replies, "Okay." The woman thinks, "What's going on here?" Dilbert thinks, "Good. It looks like the window of opportunity is still slightly open."