Assign Comic Strips

You can also use "quotes" and & to narrow down results.

21 Results for Assign

View 1 - 10 results for assign comic strips. Discover the best "Assign" comics from Dilbert.com.

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #benchmark, #world class companies, #compare, #verbs, #nouns, #assign, #engineers, #field research, #pointy haired idioits

View Transcript

Transcript

The Boss says to Alice, "Alice, I want you to benchmark these world-class companies. Find out how we compare." Alice responds, "I'm betting they don't make verbs out of nouns. And I'll bet they don't assign engineers to do field research." Alice talks on the phone in her office. She asks, "Do you guys have any pointy-haired idiots running your place? . . . Would you like one?"

Top Dilbert Searches

marketing, project, cloud, catbert, leadership, budget, birthday, engineer, time sheet, sales, wally, strategy, dogbert, powerpoint, project management, topper, leader, boss, change, meeting, data, management, mordac

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #recognition program, #assign names, #levels performance, #highest level, #precious gem, #sparkle

View Transcript

Transcript

The Boss, Dilbert, Wally and Alice sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "Our new 'recognition program' assigns the names of precious gems to your levels of performance." The Boss continues, "The highest level is diamond. You get a new ring at each level." The Boss hands out ring boxes. Wally asks, "Are you sure talc is a precious gem?" Dilbert moves his hand and says, "I think I saw it sparkle."

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #assign priority, #chance in a million, #process voucher, #you're a one, #long process, #lies

View Transcript

Transcript

Wally hands Carol a piece of paper. Wally says, "How long will it take to process my voucher?" Carol says, "I assign a priority to everyone. I'm happy to say you're a 'one'." Carol sits in front of her computer. Carol thinks, "One chance in a million."

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #new motto, #dance hurts, #love money, #work when people watch, #read contract, #assign mottos, #Dilbert, #Dogbert

View Transcript

Transcript

Dilbert sits on the couch. Dogbert sits next to him and says, "This will be your new motto..." Dogbert continues, "Dance like it hurts. Love like you need money. Work when people are watching." Dilbert says, "You can't assign mottos to me." Dogbert replies, "You'd better read your contract."

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #meeting called, #discuss issues, #assign tasks, #waste of time, #meetings, #become lifeform, #reproducing human josts

View Transcript

Transcript

Dilbert walks into a meeting and asks, "Who called this meeting?" The male coworker replies, "We thought you did." The coworker continues, "I think we should discuss issues and assign tasks so it's not a complete waste of time." Dilbert responds, "Maybe meetings have become a lifeform capable of calling themselves and thus reproducing via human hosts." The male coworker turns to the female coworker and says, "Good issue." She replies, "Wow!"

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
- Dilbert by Scott Adams

View Transcript

Transcript

Here's a list of gifts I received on National Boss Day. "Sort them by dollar value and assign annual raises based on who gave the most." "Now I regret the Sculpture-o-Gum."

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
- Dilbert by Scott Adams

View Transcript

Transcript

There's no good way to assign a bad project. FWAP! "Do it!" "That was a liberating thought."

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
- Dilbert by Scott Adams

View Transcript

Transcript

I'd better put some lipstick on this pig. "Behold the most exciting technical challenge since the dawn of the microprocessor!" "I must rub it on my body before I assign it to you...Oooh oooh!" "I'll need tongs."

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #engineers, #project plan, #won't work, #problem solver

View Transcript

Transcript

Your engineers think my project plan won't work. "I'll assign Wally to your project. He's a perfect fit." "Because he's a problem solver?" "Because he won't work either."

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
- Dilbert by Scott Adams

View Transcript

Transcript

"When you're done researching new technology, I want you to inventory our furniture." "When do you think you'll be done?" "When will you forget you asked me, and assign the furniture project to someone else?" "Two weeks." "I'll be done in 15 days."