Calculated Comic Strips
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Dilbert and Dogbert sit at the table eating dinner. Dilbert says, "You shouldn't salt your food before tasting it." Dogbert replies, "It's a calculated risk . . ." Dogbert explains, "The average mouthful of food is five percent of the total serving." Dogbert continues, "So timid salters eat five percent of almost every meal with too little salt . . ." Dogbert continues, "Because only one time in a thousand is food too salty to begin with." Dogbert concludes, "Therefore, over a lifetime you experience almost five percent less salt-related happiness than I do." Dilbert replies, "Not necessarily. I usually salt my tongue after the first swallow."
Dilbert, Wally and Alice stand behind a man's desk. Wally says, "We're sorry to hear you're getting laid off, Bruce." Wally continues, "We calculated that if ten of your friends here took ten percent pay cuts then the company can keep you." Bruce says excitedly, "Gosh! You'd do that for me?" Wally replies, "No. We're here to look at your office furniture."
Dilbert stands in front of the Boss's desk and asks, "What did you mean when you said all employees are empowered?" Dilbert continues, "Does that mean I can control my own budget, make decisions without twelve levels of approval, and take calculated risks on my own?" The Boss replies, "No, it's just a way to blame employees for not doing the things we tell them not to do." Dilbert hangs his head and says, "No wonder you needed a new word."
Dogbert sits on his pillow listening to the radio. Dilbert says, "It took weeks but I've calculated a new theory about the origin of the universe." Dilbert continues, "According to my calculations it didn't start with a 'big bang' at all - it was more of a 'phhbwt' sound." Dilbert continues, "You may be wondering about the practical applications of the 'Little Phhbwt' theory." Dogbert replies, "I was wondering when you'll go away."
The caption says, "Dogbert teaches business math." Dogbert points to a diagram of an equation. A picture of Wally, Dilbert and Alice illustrates the equation, "Grunts equals zero." The caption says, "#1. Any job that can be done by two people . . ." The Boss stands behind two people. The caption continues, ". . . Can be done by one person for half the cost." The Boss yanks one of the workers out of his chair. The caption says, "#2. A bonus today is worth more than . . ." The Boss holds a large bag of money. The caption continues, ". . . The whole company tomorrow." An office building has a closed sign on it. The caption says, "#3. Your expense requirements for December can be calculated . . ." The Boss sits at his desk writing on a piece of paper. The caption continues, ". . . By taking what's left in the budget and multiplying by one." A delivery person asks the Boss, "Giraffe goes where?" Dogbert says, "Next week, a doctor with a flashlight shows us where sales projections come from."
The Boss sits at his desk and says, "Dilbert, I've decided to downsize you." The Boss continues, "It's nothing personal, just an economic necessity." Dilbert tugs nervously at his necktie. The Boss says, "I calculated how much your salary was dragging down the value of my stock options." The Boss continues, "Without you, I can afford to go to the movies one additional time per year." The Boss continues, "And let's face it: recreation is important when one has a stressful job." Dilbert waves his arms and says sarcastically, "Hey, why don't you downsize Wally instead. You'll save enough in office supplies to buy popcorn too. Sheesh!" The Boss thinks, "Mmm . . ." Wally asks Dilbert, "How'd it go?" Dilbert says, "You know that team-building exercise we did last week? It didn't take."
Dogbert sits on the couch. Dilbert says, "I calculated the total time that humans have waited for Web pages to load . . ." Dilbert continues, "It cancels out all the productivity gains of the information age." Dilbert says, "Sometimes I think the Web is a big plot to keep people like me away from normal society." Dogbert thinks, "Uh-oh, he's on to me."
The boss stands behind Asok who is at his computer. The boss says, "Do you have the udget calculated yet, Asok?" Asok says, "I need to double-check the numbers." The boss says, "Give me a copy now. I'll mentally adjust for the possibilty the numbers are wrong." Asok says, "Am I making a huge mistake?" The boss says, "This six is probaly an upside-down nine."
Dilbert is sitting at his computer. He points to the screen and says to Dogbert, "I calculated the impact of work on my health and life expectancy." Dilbert continues, "At my current workload, doing two people's jobs, I have... six months to live." Dogbert responds, "Remind me in five and a half months so I can shop for a card."
The boss: "The management retreat in Hawaii was productive." "We calculated how many employees we needed to downsize to pay for the trip." Ted: "Don't blame me, Ted. I voted against the third helicopter ride."