Classic Excuses Comic Strips
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Dilbert and Dogbert enter the laboratory. Dilbert says, "I've decided we should operate along more classic lines, like Dr. Frankenstein's lab." Dilbert lifts Dogbert onto a stool and asks, "You know what that makes you?" Dogbert replies, "I've got a hunch . . ." Dilbert says, "Let's practice . . ." Dilbert says, "Dogbert, fetch me a brain!" Dogbert asks, "Like your present model, or one that works?"
The strip is titled, "The secrets of men. A guide for women." The caption says, "Women wonder why men say dumb things to start conversations." Dilbert asks a woman, "Are you a model?" The caption says, "Why can't men take a hint?" The woman replies, "No, but my boyfriend is a killer." The caption says, "Why are men so thick?" Dilbert asks, "Are you free Saturday?" The caption says, "Why are excuses useless?" The woman replies, "I have to wash my goldfish." Dilbert asks, "How about Sunday?" The caption says, "Why don't men understand the word no?" The woman says, "No no no no no no . . ." Dilbert asks, "What are you trying to say?" The caption says, "Men know why they act like that:" Dilbert and the woman look at each other. The caption says, ". . . Sometimes it works." Dilbert and the woman walk into the sunset holding hands.
Dilbert stands at the counter in a retail store. The salesclerk says, "This Sony Sniffman makes a nice gift." The clerk continues, "You can play the smells of your favorite stars!" The salesperson hands Dilbert the Sniffman and says, "Try it - it's Donny Osmond's gym bag." Dilbert asks, "Is it 'new Donny' or classic?"
The Boss says to Dilbert, Wally and a woman, "I'm discontinuing the employee drug testing program . . ." The Boss shows Dilbert a document and says, "Because my own tests keep turning out positive . . . Which makes me suspect that some wise guy has tampered with the medical computer." Dilbert says, "Denial and paranoia . . . Classic symptoms." Wally asks, "Is he 'high' right now?"
Dilbert stands in front of the Boss's desk and says, "My patent will make fifty million dollars for the company, so I thought maybe you could afford to give me a raise." The Boss replies, "Unfortunately, the profit bucket is not connected to the budget bucket, so there's no money for a raise." Dilbert says, "I think some recognition of a job well-done is appropriate here." The Boss replies, "Thanks. It WAS one of my better excuses."
Wally: Sometimes I think these constant reorganizations are just excuses for getting rid of unwanted employees. Wally: what job did you end up with? Dilbert: Organ donor Wally: My shoulder is acting up. Do I talk to you or is there a form to fill out? Dilbert: I don't think thats an "Organ"
Ratbert: My name is Ratbert. I fear the information superhighway. Like most of you, my problem started because I never learned to type. I thought only secretaries needed to type. Then the computers came. At first I dismissed them as mere toys for men with no social skills. Soon they were everywhere. I would invent elaborate excuses to avoid computers. I was caught in my own web of deception. MAN: This is "alcoholics anonymous" Ratbert: I didn't interrupt you. Man: Can we talk about me now?
"This item will require your usual executive-style decision." "You know: keep it on your desk for three weeks, then sneak it back to my cubicle with an illegible question scrawled in the margin." "Or, for your convenience, I have made no copies; so you can lose the original and claim you gave it back to me." "Hmm"
Dilbert lies on a couch in a therapist's office. Dilbert says, "On weekends I'll feel my pager vibrate . . . But when I go to check it, I realize I'm not wearing it." The psychologist replies, "It's a classic case of phantom-pager syndrome. It's common among technology workers." The psychiatrist adds, "There's no treatment for it." Dilbert says, "I don't want to treat it. I want to relocate it."
CAption: "CAtbert: Evil H.R. Director" CAtbert says, "Wally, you've taken sick days for unusual reasons." Catbert looks at a piece of paper and says, "For example, one day you got sick because you "...accidently imagined what ir would be like if you were a fly." Catbert says, "And today it's your hair?" Wally says, "I lathered and rinsed but I don't remember repeating."