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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #Dilbert, #investor, #financial, #advisor, #timid, #product, #window, #certificate, #deposit, #withdraw, #flying, #debenture, #trade off, #money, #fling

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Dilbert and the financial advisor sit at the table. The advisor says, "For the timid investor, I recommend our 'Perpetual Certificates of Deposit.'" The man continues, "They earn the highest possible interest. The only trade-off is that you can never withdraw it." Dilbert asks, "Why don't I just fling my money out a window?" The advisor replies, "Ah, you've heard of our 'Flying Debenture' product?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #Dilbert, #head, #Dogbert, #spin, #yergi, #elbonia, #elbonians, #visiting, #economy, #earns, #doctor, #year, #pair, #shoes, #philanthropist, #offered, #root, #buy, #man's, #dignity, #Kids, #meat

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Dilbert sits at his desk. He hears, "Ha ha! Now spin on your head! Ha ha ha!" Dilbert walks into the room and sees an Elbonian standing on his head. He asks Dogbert, "What's going on here?" Dogbert replies, "This is Yergi. He's visiting from Elbonia." Dogbert explains, "The economy in Elbonia is so bad he only earns three dollars a month as a doctor." Dogbert continues, "It takes a year to earn enough for a pair of shoes . . . It takes TWO years for a pound of meat." Dogbert continues, "Philanthropist that I am, I offered to give him an old boot if he would act like my trained monkey for a week." Dilbert scolds, "Dogbert! I can't believe you would buy this man's dignity for an old boot!" Yergi says, "I plan to tell the kids it's a pound of meat." Dogbert says, "Quiet, Bobo."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #Dilbert, #Dogbert, #man, #parking lot, #car

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Dilbert and Dogbert stand in a parking lot. A man approaches their car and says, "Hey! Dilbert! Is that your nerdmobile?" The man laughs. Dilbert thinks, "It's my old high school nemesis, Chuck." Chuck says, "Maybe you'd like to race me in my Corvette." He laughs. Dilbert points to his car and says, "Actually, Chuck, if you had taken a science class you'd know this a 'Seebeck effect' power plant capable of 600 miles per hour." Dilbert continues, "Any idiot knows you can get massive power simply by using the sun to heat the junction of two dissimilar wires joined at both ends." Dilbert continues, "Apparently I'm faster AND smarter than you. And these tax forms show that I also earn more than you." Dogbert holds up the forms. Chuck says, "Here's a picture of my new girlfriend. She teaches aerobics." Dilbert says, "He's winning. Help me out here, Dogbert." Dogbert waves his paw and says, "Step aside." Dogbert tells Chuck, "I notice that your girlfriend has unusually large hands and a very pronounced Adam's apple." Chuck asks, "So?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #dogbert outplacement agebcy, #doa, #freelance consulatants, #cubicles, #earn no money, #equipped, #phone, #refurbished ego

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Dogbert: welcome to the dogcart outplacement agency, or "DOA" as I call it. Dogbert: Here, Nobody "unemployed" You're freelance consultants who sit in cubicles and earn no money! Every cubicle is equipped with a phone and a refurbished ego. ego: I will not work with that thing.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #consultant, #highly paid, #150 per hour, #ideal career, #unproductive, #business

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Ratbert leans on Wally's monitor and says, "As a consultant, I earn $150 per hour even when I'm unproductive." Ratbert continues, "I can earn 42 cents by wiggling my furry little behind for ten seconds." Ratbert shouts, "C'mon, count with me!!!" Wally tells Dilbert, "When I imagine my ideal career, it's never like this."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #woman paid 75 cents, #every dollar men, #highest paid engineer, #average woman, #problem

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Tina the tech writer says, "I just read that the average woman is paid 75 cents for every dollar that men make. It's an outrage!" Alice sits at her computer and grimaces. Alice says, "I'm the highest paid engineer in the company." Tina looks comfused and says, "That's impossible. The article says, 'Average women' earn less." Alice says, "Suddenly, the problem comes into focus."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #overdosing, #anti depressants, #induce vomiting, #mission statement, #ten times salary, #heaving, #alice punching

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Wally, Alice, and Dilbert are meeting. Wally says, "Alice is overdosing on antidepressants." Dilbert says, "We must induce vomiting." Wally holds a piece of paper in front of Alice's face. Wally says, "Look at our mission statement, Alice. The people who wrote it earn ten times your salary." Dilbert comes home disheveled. Dilbert says to Dogbert, "The plan worked perfectly, up to the point where all three of us were having and Alice was punching us."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #intangible benefits, #earn money, #tangible benefits, #emplyees, #stcokholders, #stockholder meeting

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Catbert talks to the boss. The boss sits at his desk. Catbert says, "The employees aren't falling fror the old "intangible benefits" story anymore." The boss says, "Uh-oh. We don't earn enough money to give tangible benefits to employees AND stockholders." Caption: Stockholder meeting. The boss presents a sign that reads "Stock" and has a plummeting line. The boss says, "...Now let's discuss your intangible benefits..." One stockholder pulls a gun. Another stockholder waves his can and curses.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #ten billion dollars, #no decorations, #walls, #cubicle, #important today, #we both, #money for company

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Dilbert and the boss sit at a table with tools on it. The boss holds a gadget and says, "Your invention will earn ten billion dollars for this company." The boss says, "By the way, you're not allowed to have decorations above the walls of your cubicle." The boss says, "WE both did something important today. Give me five."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #more money else where, #good coffee, #why stay

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Dilbert says to Dogbert over a cup of coffee: "I know I could earn more money at another company. So why do I stay?" Dogbert says: "Maybe the coffee is good and you enjoy watching the antics of feeble, unaware loosers." Dilbert begins to say: "No, I don't think that's..." But Dogbert, finishing his cup of coffee, cuts him off with: "This coffee is good."