Hearty Slap Comic Strips
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Dilbert sits at a banquet table with three other people. The Boss stands at the podium and says, "Thank you all for coming to Irv Klepfurd's retirement celebration." The Boss continues, "Many of you know that Irv has been pilfering office supplies for his entire career." The Boss continues, "In fact, he's only retiring now because he finished construction on his garage made entirely of paper clips." The Boss continues, "This bill is for $87,000 of personal phone calls made from the office." The Boss continues, "Instead of a gold watch, I'm going to write the current time on this yellow sticky pad and slap it on his forehead." The Boss slaps Irv. The Boss continues, "Now . . . I understand we have some birthdays today . . ."
The caption says, "First date." Dilbert and a woman sit at a table in a restaurant looking at menus. Dilbert asks the waiter, "How much is the half chicken?" The waiter replies, "Ninety-six dollars." Dilbert looks at the menu and thinks, "Uh-oh . . . I can't afford this place." Dilbert asks, "How much is one-eighth of a chicken?" The waiter replies, "Ninety-two dollars." Dilbert asks, "What can I get for thirty bucks?" The waiter replies, "We could slap you with an oven mitten." The woman says, "I can't believe what a cheap-skate you are." The woman continues, "My mother was right: all men are insensitive!" Dilbert hands the menu to the waiter and says, "Two oven mittens." The waiter says to the woman, "So, it looks like you'll be free later . . ."
Dilbert walks down the office hallway and thinks, "Forgot my keys." Dilbert thinks, "I'll have to slap my forehead and mutter when I turn around, otherwise I'll look silly." As two people watch, Dilbert smacks himself and his glasses fly off his head. Dilbert thinks, "Too hard."
Dilbert and Dogbert walk on the sidewalk. Dilbert points ahead of them and says, "Look, Dogbert - a wallet." Dilbert bends down, picks up the wallet and says, "It's full of money." Dogbert shouts, "We're rich!!" Dilbert says, "We must return it to its owner." Dogbert shouts, "We're honest!" Dilbert says, "His business card says 'Sam Grouper, ruthless criminal.'" Dilbert says, "Let's hope 'ruthless' means he divorced his wife named Ruth." The criminal answers his door with a gun in his hand. Dilbert says, "Mr. Grouper, we found your wallet. No reward is expected." Sam points the weapon at Dilbert and says, "Hand it over. Give me your wallet too, then slap yourselves around and scram." Dilbert's glasses are bent and his clothes are disheveled. Dogbert holds his hands up and says, "We're morons!"
Dilbert sits at his desk. The Boss stands behind him holding a fly swatter. The Boss says, "Hold still. I'm going to try a morale-building experiment." The Boss slaps Dilbert on the back of his head. The Boss walks away saying, "Thanks. I feel a lot better." Dilbert looks angry.
Dogbert stands on a stage holding a microphone and saying, "Swing your partner, dosey-do. Now clap your hands . . ." On the dance floor, people are square dancing. Dogbert thinks, "Uh-oh, that's all the square dance moves I know . . . I'll bluff the rest." Dogbert says, "Slap your partner in the face, / Write bad checks all over the place, / Flirt with strangers, annoy your spouse, / Get a divorce and lose your house . . . Uh . . . dosey-do."
Dilbert sits at his desk and Ratbert stands on the monitor. Ratbert says, "I figured that you would respect me more if I had some sort of talent." Ratbert says, "So I taught myself to sing Barry Manilow's greatest hits while slapping my head rhythmically." Ratbert sings, "A-a-at the Copa (slap) ow! Copa Cabana (slap) ow!" Dilbert says, "I'm actually enjoying this and it deeply disturbs me."
The Boss: Im sorry Dave, But your being transferred to marketing and theres no budget to train you as a marketer. Slap! Dave: where am I? I need a drink. The Boss: This is a temporary fix...but you'll fit in now.
Tags #45 inch screen, #communications staellite, #cure disease, #fish appear on screen, #great products, #marketing, #new product, #room freshener, #telepathic user, #whiten teeth, #time travel, #business
How Great Products are designed The Boss: Go talk to marketing. Dilbert: Groan Dilbert: Dave, tell me what marketing wants the new product to do. Dave: It has to have a 45 inch screen and still fit in a purse or a wallet. Dave: It needs to act as a communications satellite as well as a room fresher. Dilbert: uh... Dave: it must cure deadly diseases and whoyten your teeth while you sleep! HAHA! and it has to be capable of time travel!! and have a telepathic user interface! Slap! Dilbert: I could write a program that makes fish appear on the computer screen, DAVE: yeah a lot of people want that.
LIZ: I'm a nineties kind of woman. I demand equality but the man must pay for dinner. "And recent surveys show that many women my age think it's okay to slap a man." DILBERT: "Really? Did they name the man?" LIZ: "Don't make me come over there."