Low Performer Comic Strips
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Nasa Scientist 1: You will be with one other... Uh... Astronaut in a private room. You two will have no specific duties on this mission. I'll be monitoring you on video. Nasa Scientist 2: A nerd, a monkey, and one Nintendo at zero gravity... Pretty risky experiment. Nasa Scientist 1: To be honest, we were running low on good ideas.
The Boss says to Dilbert, "Dilbert, profits are too low. I've got to let you go . . ." Dilbert says, "What!!" The Boss continues, ". . . To a training class." The Boss walks away thinking, "They're so cute when they get jumpy."
Ratbert says to Dogbert, "The poll results are in." Ratbert reads a document and continues, "You still have low name recognition outside of the living room . . . But some guy in the kitchen thinks he's heard of you." Ratbert continues, "Don't be discouraged, uh . . . Uh . . ." Dogbert yells, "Dogbert!"
The panel is titled, "Dogbert's Guide to Movie Advertisements." Dogbert says, "Trust me." The advertisement says, "'Thumbs up.' -Gene Siskel." Dogbert says, "Meaning: Roger Ebert hates it." The advertisement says, "'Nominated for an Academy Award.'" Dogbert says, "Notice they don't say for what -- probably 'Best Gaffer.'" The advertisement says, "'Funniest movie of the year.'" Dogbert says, "He saw it in mid-January." The advertisement says, "Four stars . . . A masterpiece!'" Dogbert says, "The movie studio only paid off one critic. Must be a low-budget film." The advertisement says, "'Powerful performances.'" Dogbert says, "It's a downer. Somebody probably gets a disease and loses the farm." The advertisement says, "'I loved it!' -Floyd Belcher, Nosehair Magazine." Dogbert says, "Remember to consider the source." The advertisement says, "Stallone's funniest movie yet." Dogbert says, "I think you get the hang of it."
Tim says to Dilbert, "I've sacrificed my health, my personal life and my soul to get promoted." Tim continues, "Ha ha ha! But it was all worth it because I have an office with a DOOR and you still work in a cubicle!" Tim continues, "Maybe I'll host a special 'Low-Achiever Day' to let you touch my door." Dilbert imagines closing Tim in his door.
Dilbert stands in front of an overhead projector. He says, ". . . Therefore, I recommend that we switch to the new technology . . . Any questions?" A man sitting at the conference table asks, "Dilbert, are you willing to bet your career on this?" Dilbert replies, "Yes, I would definitely bet my career." Dilbert continues, "You would too if you had MY career." Dilbert places a transparency on the projector and says, "I have a view graph which anticipated your question." Dilbert points to the diagram and says, "This chart tracks my declining sense of self-worth as my career progresses." Dilbert continues, "At the low-point, here, I'm reduced to answering imbecilic questions while pointing a little stick at the wall." Dilbert arrives at home and Dogbert asks, "How did the presentation go?" Dilbert replies, "There's such a thing as being too prepared."
Dogbert stands on a chair across from the Boss's desk. Dogbert says, "I'm afraid your company is being hit by an El Nino Circadian trough." Dogbert continues, "Once a decade, the natural body rhythms of all the employees reach their mental low point at the same time." Dogbert continues, "It's best to avoid any form of mental activity." The Boss yells, "Staff meeting!"
Dilbert sees a sign that says, "Free therapy." Dilbert asks a woman at a desk, "Why is it free?" The woman replies, "Our therapists are first year psychology students." Dilbert says, "What have I got to lose?" Dilbert lies on a couch and says, "Sometimes I have low self-esteem . . ." A student sits in a chair taking notes. The man says, "Your problem is that you're ugly. You should drink beer until you feel handsome." Dilbert says, "I thought you would say something about my mother." The man replies, "Good point. Your mother should drink beer too. She's probably as ugly as you." Dilbert walks by the reception desk and says, "You're over-priced." The woman replies, "Ooh, 'Mister Low Self-Esteem' is unhappy."
Dilbert asks a salesclerk in a clothing store, "Can you help me?" The woman replies, "No, I'm afraid I can't." The clerk explains, "You see, I get paid the same low hourly wage whether you buy that shirt or not. And after years in this business I've learned to despise the general public." Dilbert waves some money at the woman and says, "Please . . . I have exact change." The clerk replies, "I have no way of knowing if that's true."
Dilbert bends over tying his shoelace. He tells Dogbert, "Maybe I'm unlucky in love because I'm so knowledgeable about science that I intimidate people." Dilbert continues, "Their intimiidation becomes low self-esteem, then they reject me to protect their egos." Dogbert says, "Occam's razor." They walk through the park. Dilbert asks, "What is 'Occam's razor'?" Dogbert answers, "A guy named Occam had a rule about the world." Dogbert continues, "Basically, he said that when there are multiple explanations for something, the simplest explanation is usually correct." They sit down on some rocks. Dogbert continues, "The simplest explanation for your poor love life is that you're immensely unattractive." Dilbert says, "Maybe Occam had another rule that specifically exempted this situation, but his house burned down with all his notes. Then he forgot." Dogbert says, "Occam's razor." Dilbert asks, "I'm an idiot?" Dogbert replies, "I don't think we can rule it out at this point."