Paying For Itself Comic Strips
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Dilbert stands outside his lab. He tells Dogbert, "Well, Dogbert, I believe I have solved the world's garbage problem." Dogbert says, "I didn't know garbage had any problems." Dilbert and Dogbert walk down the stairs to the lab. Dilbert says, "I've invented the most efficient trash compactor ever." Dilbert kneels in front of a device and says, "This baby can squash two tons of garbage into a little brick!" Dogbert says, "No doubt you've considered the valuable uses for the brick itself." Dilbert asks, "Uh . . . Right . . . For home construction?" Dogbert says, "Or just as an immovable object that smells like Sylvester Stallone's socks."
Dilbert sits in an empty room wearing only his underwear. He tells Dogbert, "I always get a warm, satisfied feeling right after paying my taxes." Dilbert continues, "Sure, it's a sacrifice . . . But my money goes to support vital public services." Someone knocks on the door. Dilbert opens the door and two men in trenchcoats enter. One man says, "We're the IRS mop-up crew." The man continues, "We came to take your socks and shave sixty percent of your dog." The other man holds an electric razor. One agent shaves Dogbert while the other pulls off Dilbert's socks. Dilbert says, "Remind me to adjust my withholdings for next year."
Dilbert: Great... Not only am I being forced to work in the accounting department, but I'm slowly turning into a troll. Wait a minute... This is the budget for the accounting department itself... What happens if I erase it? Bradley: Boss!!? Boss!!? Witch: Help me! I'm melting! Aaagh!!
Dilbert lies on a couch and explains to a therapist, ". . . Whenever I'm near a hardware store I feel an invisible force drawing me inside . . ." The psychologist says, "You've been talking about yourself since you got here. We never talk about ME and MY feelings. I hurt too, you know." Dilbert says, "I'm paying $75 an hour . . ." The psychiatrist says, "Good Lord, and you think that makes it okay to be selfish??"
Dogbert: I know you; you're filbert's ego. Dilbert's Ego: Correct. I disowned him. Me just wasn't feeding me enough. Dogbert: What can a little ego do to feed itself. Dilbert: Which way to the toupee store.
Dilbert and Wally stand in the hallway holding coffee cups. Wally says, "I'm thinking of quitting and becoming an entrepreneur." Wally continues, "I want to experience life on the edge, full of risk and challenge and adventure!" Dilbert says, "The company stops paying you if you quit." Wally responds, "Oh, then never mind."
The strip is titled, "Dogbert's guide to your tax dollars." A vacuum cleaner sucks up dollar bills. Dogbert says, "Did you ever wonder how all that tax money gets spent? Roll the tape." The caption says, "Inventing secret things." Two scientists look at a device. One of them says, "It doesn't look like much, but it'll smart like crazy if you sit on it." The caption says, "Sending secret things into space." The other scientist says, "Maybe we'd better classify it secret and send it into space with the other stuff." The caption says, "Education." A teacher says, "Sex will kill you, food will kill you, smoking will kill you, alcohol will kill you, drugs will kill you . . ." The children sitting at their school desks look frightened. The caption says, "Art grants for things you aren't open-minded enough to appreciate." Dilbert looks at a shoe sitting on a pedestal. The artist says, "I call it 'The Bug I Hated.'" The caption says, "Advanced health care." Two doctors stand next to a bed where a skeleton lies. One physician says, "You were right, Benson. X-rays and microwaves are not the same thing." The caption says, "Paying Congress." A senator says, "Our raises came through!" Another says, "I think I'll send myself a thank-you note!"
Dilbert and a woman sit at a table in a restaurant. Dilbert says, ". . . So, then I thought, ha! Maybe there's a bug in the computer program itself!" The woman reaches into her purse. The woman sprays Dilbert with a can of mace and he screams. Dilbert says, "Maybe that story went on a little long . . ." The woman asks, "What gave it away?"
Dilbert sits in his chair and Dogbert stands on the hassock. Dogbert holds a pen and a pad of paper. Dogbert asks, "Have you ever had a strange dream or a nosebleed?" Dilbert replies, "Yes." Dogbert says, "It's clear that you're suppressing memories of being abducted by aliens. I can use hypnosis to get at those memories." Dilbert asks, "What if the hypnosis itself makes me think it happened when it didn't? I'll be scorned and ridiculed for life." Dogbert replies, "That's a risk I'm willing to take."
Dilbert sits at his desk explaining to Ratbert, "Then, Ratbert, the weight of the universe collapsed in on itself until all of existence could fit into a thimble!" Ratbert asks, "Why would there be a thimble in space?" Dilbert replies, "Uh . . . There wouldn't . . ." Ratbert says, "Boy, it didn't take long to spot the gaping logical flaw in that theory."