Position Eleiminated Comic Strips
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Dilbert stands in front of the mirror tying his tie and humming. Dilbert walks away thinking, "What's wrong with this necktie?" The tie lies flat on his shirt. The caption says, "Coming: the shocking truth about Dilbert's tie." Dilbert's tie curls up into its usual position and he thinks, "That's better."
Tags #the boss, #Dilbert, #legal, #department, #corporate, #lawyer, #trial, #judge, #position, #unglamorous, #consequently, #bad, #attitude, #approve, #sued, #trouble, #month, #nromally, #reject, #lawsuit
The Boss tells Dilbert, "Before I read your proposal, run it past our legal department." Dilbert groans. The Boss thinks, "That's the end of that." A lawyer tells Dilbert, "I didn't have to become a corporate lawyer. I could be a trial lawyer or a judge, you know." The attorney continues, "But I chose to work here at this unglamorous position." The man continues, "Consequently, I have a bad attitude and I'm going to take it out on you." The lawyer says, "Your proposal does noting to help MY career. And if I approve it and we get sued later, then I'll get in trouble." The lawyer continues, "In a month or so, I'll formally reject your idea with a neatly typed but oddly worded memo." The Boss asks, "Did he reject your proposal yet?" Dilbert replies, "Yeah. And he filed a lawsuit against me."
The Boss stands behind Ted's desk and says, "Ted, you're part of the company 'right sizing' program, effective today." Ted replies, "Thank you! It's nice to get positive feedback from the boss!" The Boss says, "It's not feedback. I'm saying your position has been 'management adjusted.'" Ted replies, "Sounds great! Is there a raise involved?" The Boss says angrily, "Listen to me!! You're part of 'manager attrition' starting right now!" Ted says, "Wow! Is that the fast-track program for managers?" Wally tells Dilbert, "I heard that Ted got picked for the 'manager attrition' program." Dilbert asks angrily, "Why not us?" Dilbert and Wally stand across from the Boss's desk. Dilbert says, "So unless you put us on the 'manager attrition' program too, we quit!" The Boss thinks, "There's never a flamethrower handy when you need it."
"Dogbert's Body Language Update" "Are you hampered by the limits of conventional body language?" "I can help." - How can you politely tell somebody he's babbling? "Babble, Babble." - Remove the offender's watch while he babbles.- "Babble." - Smash the watch with your daily planner. - "Babble." "Whack!" - This won't stop the babble, but it will feel real good for a minute.- "Babble." "Mmm." - Use this position to signal your surrender to the babble.- "Babble." -Next week - the self-Heimlich manuever and the Kervorkian dodge.- "Babble."
Tags #ammunition, #automatic weapons, #bazookas, #citizens, #conversation about guns, #dog, #gun ownership, #no ammunition, #right to own guns, #rocket launchers, #weapons of choice, #charlton heston, #animals
"What's your position on gun ownership, Dogbert?" "I believe everybody should have the right to own guns." "What about automatic weapons?" "I'm all for them." "Citizens should have bazookas and rocket launchers, too." "I believe that all citizens should have the weapons of their choice." "However, I also believe that only I should have ammunition." "Because frankly, I wouldn't trust the rest of you Goobers with anything more dangerous than string." "What about Charleton Heston?" "I'd keep the string away from him."
Player man: dilbert, you'll be playing the left striker position. Player man: one of our good players will try to strike tony in th head with the ball and bank it in the goal, LIZ: "It" being the ball not your head. Dilbert: Id better take off y glasses. LIZ: No, don't, I included their dampening effect in my calculations.
The Boss: Let's each share our accomplishments for the month. Dilbert: To the untrained observer it might seem like I didn't accomplish anything. However, I did strategically "position" my project by socializing it within the company. Dilbert: Then Wally and I help a "tiger team" lock up session. Then I prepared the executive briefing package for the big meeting that got cancelled. Since then Ive spent most if my time looking for the best project management software to use. And I did it all within ten percent of my budget goal, Dilbert: Looking good. Wally: wow all I did was that tiger thing.
The Boss stands in front of Alice, Dilbert and Al. He says, "I need to promote one of you to the district manager position." Dilbert, Al and Alice look at the Boss. The Boss says, "Dilbert, your technical knowledge is too valuable to lose." The Boss continues, "Ditto for Alice. Neither of you can be promoted." Dilbert and Alice look angry. The Boss says, "The only logical choice is to promote Al because he has no valuable knowledge." Dilbert replies, "Al??! A director??! He doesn't know what day of the week it is!! The Boss tells Al, "They're just grumpy because it's Monday." Dilbert says, "It's Thursday."
Dilbert sits at a conference table with the Boss and Dogbert. Dogbert says, "I promise that if I decide to buy your company I'll gladly recommend a position for each of you." Wally, who is also sitting at the table, asks, "Really? You'd make sure we all got jobs?" Dogbert answers, "No, but I'll recommend a 'position.'" Dilbert and the Boss look shocked.
Ratbert sits in a chair facing a desk. Ratbert says, "I submit myself as a candidate for the position of 'temporary employee.'" Ratbert continues, "I'm VERY temporary. First I'll be in one place and then you blink and I'm gone! Blink, gone, blink, gone, blink, gone . . ." The person behind the desk says, "Stop saying 'Blink, gone.' It's making me nuts." Ratbert replies, "It appears that the balance of power has shifted my way."