Unimportant Subordinates Comic Strips
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The Boss sits at his desk looking through a stack of documents and thinking, "Here's something else that's totally unimportant yet requires action." The Boss thinks, "I'll route it to a subordinate, thus inflating its perceived importance and destroying both morale and productivity." The Boss thinks, "What luck, I got two copies!"
The Boss says to Dilbert, "Our newest fad policy is to have subordinates appraise their boss's job performance." Dilbert says, "I give you a 'D minus.'" The Boss asks, "Did I mention retribution?" Dilbert says, "Careful, sir, you're hanging by a thread."
The Boss stands in front of Dilbert who is seated at his desk. The Boss hands Dilbert a document and says, "I ranked all of your assignments by priority so you won't waste time on unimportant stuff." Dilbert reads the document and says, "Everything is an 'A' priority except for 'Personal life.'" Dilbert says, "this helps a lot." The Boss says, "I'm still working on the list of 'Must do' 'B' priorities."
The Boss enters Dilbert's cubicle and says, "I'm putting you in charge of project 'BIFF.'" The Boss says "'BIFF' stands for 'Big Improvements For Free.'" The Boss says, "Your job is to recommend ways to increase profits without spending money or changing anything." Dilbert says, "You have to spend money to make money." The Boss says, "If we HAD money to spend we wouldn't need to MAKE money. Duh." Dilbert says, "The point is that you can make MORE money than you spend." The Boss says, "I'm not following your so-called 'point.'" The Boss says, "Logically, anything I don't understand is unimportant. Have your report tomorrow." The Boss sits at his desk, holding Dilbert's report. The Boss says, "So, you recommend . . . Replacing all managers with lava lamps." Dilbert reaches into his pocket and says, "Here's a few bucks for the lava lamps."
The caption says, "Performance Review." Tina the Tech Writer sits across from the Boss's desk. The Boss says, "Your main accomplishment was the department newsletter which was both uninteresting and unimportant. You get no raise." Tina looks shocked and says, "The newsletter was YOUR idea, and it's boring because most of the articles are contributed by my idiotic co-workers." The Boss says, "You don't seem to understand the value of teamwork." Tina replies, "I understand its value; it just cost me a two-percent raise."
Tags #business language, #competetive, #salary increase goodbye, #core business, #lost, #empowered, #unimportant deciosns, #reengineering, #essential, #people person, #canibal, #hire trained people, #market driven, #balme cutsomers, #value employee input, #hour, #important
Dogbert sits at a desk. The panel is titled "Business Language Explained." Someone says, "We have to be more competitive." Dilbert and Wally wear barrels instead of clothing. Wally says, "Nice barrel." Dilbert replies, "This old thing?" The caption says, "Meaning: Say goodbye to salary increases." Someone says, "We must focus on our core business." The Boss feels his head and says, "Hello." The caption says, "Meaning: We can't find our butts with both hands." Someone says, "You are empowered." Alice sits at her desk wearing a crown and saying, "I proclaim this to be 'Green Ink Day.'" The caption says, "Meaning: You're the monarch of unimportant decisions." Someone says, "We're reengineering your function." A man and a horse are kicked out an office window. The caption says, "Meaning: Adios, Tonto, and the horse you rode in on." Someone says, "Training is essential." A man at a desk asks, "You were a cannibal?" A man wearing a grass skirt and a bone in his hair replies, "I'm a people person." The caption says, "Meaning: We're trying to hire some trained people." Someone says, "We're market driven." A woman doing research asks a man, "What's your favorite odor?" The caption says, "Meaning: We blame customers for our lack of innovation." Someone says, "We value employee input." Dilbert tells the Boss, "Thanks for listening." The Boss laughs hysterically. The caption says, "Meaning: We think humor is important."
Catbert reads from a paper to the Boss. "There are several mandatory classes for managers." Catbert reads, "Avoiding contact with subordinates, Misplacing important documents, The joy of listening to your own voice." Catbert says, "Have you taken the prerequisite class in time management?" The Boss says, "Twice."
Asok says, "I finished all my work. Can I go home early?" The Boss says, "No." The Boss explains, "You're an 'exempt' employee. That means you're exempt from having a life." Asok says, "I guess I could clench an unimportant document and shuffle around in quiet desperation." The Boss says, "That's the spirit!"
Caption: Catbert: Evil H.R. Director. Catbert sits behind a desk, a women sits on the other side. The woman says, "I'm grossly underpaid for the type of work I do now." Catbert says, "Write a description of your current duties. I'll be happy to do a compensation review." Caption: Based on a true story. Catbert says, "Sadly, it appears you're not qualified for your own job. But one of your subordinates is." Woman's eyes widen.
Caption "Dogbert Consults" Dogbert hands the boss a spray can. dogbert says, "Spray this Teflon on your body to better ignore the input of your subordinates." The boss sprays. The boss now has a pan for a head. Dogbert says, "Next time, shake well before useing." The boss says, "Who cares what you say?!"