in meeting room.
dogbert: i invented a device that can detect losers.
boss: how do i know if it's accurate?
dogbert: point it at a know loser and see if it pings.
boss pointing it at employees:
boss: hey! it knows ted is a loser!
ha ha ha!!! it says dilbert and alice are losers too! and carol and wally too! ha ha ha!!! this thing is totally accurate!
dogbert: you're holding it backward.
boss: how exactly does it detect losers?
dogbert: they're the ones who hold it backward.
dogbert the video backdrop designer
dogbert talking to laptop on table: the background of your video calls says a lot about you. for example, it's obvious you have no women in your life, and your knickknacks suggest you are a latent serial killer.
frame switches to wally.
wally: spookily accurate.
dogbert: exactly. that's what we don't want.
bos: which of your two projections do you think is more accurate?
dilbert: they are both random guesses. i made two of them to create an illusion of a credible range.
boss: so...would it be reasonable to pick the midpoint?
dilbert: it's as reasonable as your other decisions.
the sciencesplainer
dilbert wearing face mask: we don't have any data yet, but we are hearing good reports.
sciencesplainer: those reports are anecdotal. you need a controlled study to be certain.
dilbert distressed: literally everyone already knows that.
sciencesplainer: sure. but did you know accurate data are better than bad data?
boss's voice coming from monitor: is the data accurate?
dilbert at desk looking at boss on video conference: you don't go to war with the data you need. you go to war with the data you have.
boss: did you just make it sound noble to use bad data?
dilbert: and heroic.
boss: all out the employee engagement survey and make sure you lie like crazy. i don't want any accurate information to bubble up to senior management.
dilbert: i've never felt less important.
boss: good. that's why i can underpay you.
tina: i hear we are not allowed to work from home because it doesn't satisfy your sick need to wield power over us in person.
boss: that's not fair.
tina: is it accurate?
boss: let's stick with "not fair."
dilbert: my profit forecast isn't aligning with our strategy
the boss: try adding some variables.
dilbert: what kind of variables?
the boss: the kind that make our strategy line up with our profit forecasts.
dilbert: but...then my forecast would not be accurate.
the boss: it's already inaccurate because no one can forecast complicated things five years ahead.
the boss: if we can't be accurate, we might as well be wrong in a way that is good for us in the near term.
dilbert: you make a surprisingly robust argument for evil.
the boss: and i was barely trying!
Dilbert: I updated my job description to be more accurate.
Boss: "I try to do something and then I get interrupted a jillion times until the thing no longer matters." Sounds like you need some extra micro-managing.
Dilbert: I have to take this call.
Dilbert: Maybe you could remove a few slides to make your deck shorter. Man: So you're saying I should give up on trying to be persuasive? Dilbert: No, I"m saying it would be more persuasive if it were shorter. Man: So you're saying that having zero slides would be the most persuasive of all? Dilbert: No. I'm saying you have more slides than you need. Man: So you're saying people don't need accurate information as long as they don't have lots of slides? Dilbert:I'm not saying anything like that! Boss: Did Dilbert have any suggestions? Man: Just crazy ones.
