Billion Percent Comic Strips

You can also use "quotes" and & to narrow down results.

173 Results for Billion Percent

View 1 - 10 results for billion percent comic strips. Discover the best "Billion Percent" comics from Dilbert.com.

Offer 90 Percent Less

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Offer 90 Percent Less - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #managers & supervisors, #sarcasm, #price, #list, #stupid, #impact, #face mask, #business

View Transcript

Transcript

boss: try offering 90% less than the list price and see if they take it. dilbert: no one reduces their prices by 90% just because you want them to do it. i will look stupid for asking! boss: watch how that doesn't impact me at all.

Top Dilbert Searches

marketing, project, cloud, catbert, leadership, budget, birthday, engineer, time sheet, sales, wally, strategy, dogbert, powerpoint, project management, topper, leader, boss, change, meeting, data, management, mordac

Ceo Does Math

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Ceo Does Math - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #death & dying, #diseases, #earth, #humans, #sarcasm, #pandemic, #virus

View Transcript

Transcript

CEO: Why is everyone so panicked about coronavirus when maybe only 1% who get it will die? Catbert: One percent of the population of Earth would be...77 million dead. CEO: Yes, but the whole world won't get it. Catbert: They will if they listen to you.

Dogbert Designs Headphones

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Dogbert Designs Headphones - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #design, #business, #headphones, #maximum, #customer, #annoyance, #charging, #port, #guess, #incorrect, #frustration, #fit, #customers, #ship, #user

View Transcript

Transcript

dogbert: i've designed these over-ear headphones for maximum customer annoyance. the charging port is only on one side, so the user has a fifty percent chance of guessing wrong. and the charger only fits if you put it right-side up. to increase the frustration, i made the plug look the same on both sides. best of all, the plug is so poorly designed that half the time it doesn't seem to fit, even when you put it in correctly. i made the headphones black, so you can't easily find the charger hole in low light. ninety percent of users will be cursing us every time they try to recharge. customers won't know any of this until after they purchase. boss: ship it.

Morning Meetings

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Morning Meetings - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #business, #managers & supervisors, #meetings, #morning, #effectiveness, #afternoon, #complain

View Transcript

Transcript

dilbert: my creativity energy is highest in the morning, but you always schedule our meetings then. your ill-timed meetings reduce my effectiveness by eighty percent. boss: what do you do in the afternoons? robert: i use that time to complain about my morning meetings.

Your Real Scheme

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Your Real Scheme - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #office workers, #office, #business, #scheme, #power, #costs, #mind, #reader, #psychology

View Transcript

Transcript

dilbert: and this method will reduce costs by thirty percent. ted: nice try, but i know your real scheme is to grab power. dilbert: you're not a good mind reader ted: and yet i knew you would say i can't read minds, explain that

Memory Science

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Memory Science - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #laziness, #memory, #office workers, #restaurant workers, #sarcasm, #science, #presentation

View Transcript

Transcript

Wally: According to the science of memory, you are likely to forget ninety percent of what I present today. So I got rid of ninety percent of my slides to focus on the one slide that matters. Voice: Or were you too lazy to make more than one slide? Wally: I already forgot ninety percent of what you just said.

Not In My Town

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Not In My Town - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #business, #engineering, #office, #office workers, #nuclear

View Transcript

Transcript

dilbert: i engineered a totally safe design for nuclear power plants. ceo: how sure are you that it is safe? dilbert: one hundred percent. ceo: just keep it away from my town. dilbert: maybe it wasn't an engineering problem after all.

Employee Engagement Is Up

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Employee Engagement Is Up - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #employees, #managers & supervisors, #obliviousness, #questions, #data, #measurement

View Transcript

Transcript

Boss: And I've improved employee engagement by nineteen percent. CEO: What is employee engagement? Boss: I'm not entirely sure. CEO: Then how do you measure it? Boss: Honestly, I wasn't expecting a lot of questions.

Lower The Price

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Lower The Price - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #boss, #business, #office, #office workers, #prices, #negotiate

View Transcript

Transcript

Dilbert: My boss will yell at me if I don't negotiate a lower price. What can you do for me? Man: I lowered the price by ten percent before I showed it to you. Dilbert: I have no way of verifying your claim. Man: Neither does your boss. Problem solved.

Job Is 98 Percent Interruption

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Job Is 98 Percent Interruption - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #distraction, #engineering, #frustrated, #jobs, #office workers, #listen

View Transcript

Transcript

Alice: My job is 2% work and 98% getting interrupted. I can't focus long enough to finish anything. Dilbert: Are you done? I'm trying to work. Alice: You're a bad listener.