Bloated Department Comic Strips
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auditor: i'll be performing an internal audit of your department. boss: there are no audit problems here because i won't let you look for them. shoo! auditor: that's good enough for me. can you tell my boss i did a great job?
dogbert: my audit of your company has uncovered many disturbing things. for example, did you know that the sales department holds cockfights on the third floor every tuesday? boss: why have i never been invited? dogbert: you're not a rooster.
boss on video conference with dilbert and alice. boss: we're going to start having zoom happy hour every weekday to boost morale. dilbert: you're the only one in the entire department who drinks alcohol. boss: you're all looshers. alice: did you already start drinking? boss: i love you!
boss: we need to reduce our expense budget to 40% of our capital budget. dilbert: why do we need to do that? boss: because the ratio is too high. dilbert: are you saying we can't afford it? boss: no. i'm saying the ratio is too high. dilbert: okay, but by what standard is it "too high"? boss: by historical standards, it has never been this high. dilbert: i don't think we want to start using an irrelevant ratio to manage the department. boss: to be fair, this is just the first time you noticed.
boss: put some numbers on this decision so it looks a if we thought about it longer. asok: are you seriously telling me to do the analysis after the decision? boss: if you need help, talk to one of the experienced liars in the department.
dilbert: our tech support staff is overwhelmed because we shipped the wrong user guide with our product. boss: my bonus only depends on launching the product on time. tech support isn't my department. dilbert: you caused the problem. boss: who told you it was a fair world.
dilbert: ever since the parody inversion, no one can tell the difference between jokes and reality boss: i need you to get buy-in on this proposal from all thirteen department heads by tomorrow wally: was that real or parody? dilbert: i think they're the same now
tina: i brought a casserole for the potluck. when are you coming? dilbert: when was the last time the health department did an inspection of your home kitchen? tina: never dilbert: that's when i'll be going to the potluck.
the new consultant: none of your department heads are cooperating with me. several are selfish, lazy and stupid, while others are actively working against me. maybe you could talk to them. ceo: i hired you so i wouldn't need to talk to losers.