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man with red apron: would you like to join our frequent victims club? dilbert: no, i just want to buy this beverage. man: you could save a dollar if you join now. it only takes a minute. dilbert: i don't want you tracking my purchases and selling my data. man: i you don't sign up, my colleagues and i will pester you to do it every time you try to buy something. dilbert: i'll take my business elsewhere! man: no. you won't. because other stores are just as bad as we are. dilbert: i am not a victim! man: tell that to the customer survey i'm about to pester you into doing.
boss: on friday we'll be having a team building session on zoom. you are welcome to drink heavily because you will already be home. dilbert: i don't know how that could be more absurd. boss: and buy a gift for yourself.
Dilbert opening front door at home: yay! my package arrived! i buy one thing per day from amazon and then forget what i ordered, so it feels like my birthday every day. dogbert with hands over eyes: i can't watch this. yes! dish soap! how did i know i wanted that?
dilbert and dogbert at home. dilbert: do you like my new t-shirt? it's two sizes too small, but that's all they had. dogbert: wouldn't it be better to buy shirts that you like that are also the right size? dilbert: in theory, yes. but i have been buying t-shirts for years, and i don't recall seeing that option.
dilbert: i'd fight with you on the price of this software, but i'm more of a lover than a fighter. female software vendor: are you hitting on me? you'd better buy my software now, or i'll report you to your own human resources. dilbert: okay. okay. i'll do anything you want. female software vendor: wow. you were right when you said you're not a fighter.
ceo: well, i personally doubled my income during the pandemic. now i have a bad case of survivor guilt. dilbert: do you expect to get much sympathy for that? ceo: i won't know until i try.
ceo: the government is threatening to regulate us like a monopoly. boss: are we not a monopoly? ceo: we are simply a company that makes an essential product for modern life, and we have no real competition. boss: that sounds like a monopoly. ceo: no, we are not because other companies could compete with us if they wanted. boss: and of they tried? ceo: as soon as they got some traction we'd buy them and shut them down. dilbert: so... they would fail every time. ceo: but they could try.
boss: what's the name of the month that comes after october? dilbert: november boss: that's what i thought. my wife is trying to gaslight me so she doesn't have to buy me a birthday present. dilbert: how long has she been doing that? boss: i thought i was 26 years old until just now.
office worker: i've been working here for nine years, and you haven't given me a single raise! boss: i didn't even know you worked for me. obviously, you didn't do anything useful, or i would have noticed. office worker: well, in that case, i'm glad i didn't give my name.
vendor salesman: just fill out these five pages of information, and we're good to go. dilbert: no. cancel the order, and i'll find an easier vendor to work with. vendor salesman: in that case, all i need is your signature. dilbert: that worked? continued...