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Hiring Paul The Criminal

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Hiring Paul The Criminal - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 20, 2018's comic on:


Tags #Dilbert, #the boss, #job, #market, #competitive, #ex-cons, #work, #criminals, #caught, #paul, #data center, #copper, #wire

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The Boss: The job market is so competitive that we can't even find ex-cons who want to work here. So we're hiring active criminals who haven't yet been caught. The Boss: Say hello to Paul. Paul: I hear our data center has a a lot of copper wire.

Selling Bad Software Is Like Crime

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Selling Bad Software Is Like Crime - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 27, 2015's comic on:


Tags #big business, #business, #criminals, #user interface, #software, #lower tax rate, #engineering

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Dilbert: Our tests show that people can't figure out how to use our software. And yet we still sell it. How are we different from criminals? Boss: Our tax rate is lower.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 08, 2014's comic on:


Tags #criminals, #office workers, #work ethic, #cesspool, #horrible office conditions, #better choices, #career criminal

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Dilbert: What's your son doing here? Coworker: Today is 'Bring Your Kid To The Cesspool Day." The idea is to show kids how horrible it is to work in an office. That way, they can make better choices and avoid a life like ours. Dilbert: Just out of curiosity, who told you this is "Bring Your Kid To The Cesspool Day?" Coworker: Wally. Oh. Child: I've decided to become a career criminal. Dilbert: Good luck with all of that.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 02, 2014's comic on:


Tags #avarice, #deception, #money, #online marketplace, #dumb criminals, #bitcoins, #ka ching ka ching

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Dogbert: I started an online marketplace for dumb criminals. As soon as I get enought users, I'll steal all of their bitcoins. Bushahahaha! Dilbert: Is this morally defensible? Dogbert: Here's my argument: Ka-ching! Ka-ching!

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 22, 2011's comic on:


Tags #crimes, #criminals, #elbonian, #minister of commerce, #leave no eveidence, #connects crime, #bribe him, #kill him

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CEO: I need you to bribe an Elbonian minister of commerce and leave no evidence that connects the crime to our company. Dogbert: The only way to do that is to bribe him and kill him at the same time. CEO: I did not think this through. Dogbert: And obviously I'll need to do you first.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 02, 2010's comic on:


Tags #meeting, #presentation, #slide show, #names, #trademarked, #hand motion, #crotch area, #wide eyes, #shocked, #gross, #point, #war criminals, #nicknames, #partnerless loving, #business

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Dilbert says, "This next slide shows all of the possible names for our product that are not already trademarked." The Boss says, "Are there any that don't remind people of this general area of the human body?" Dilbert says, "That narrows it down to the names of accused war criminals, and the funnier nicknames for partnerless loving."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 11, 2004's comic on:


Tags #repeat customer, #rate of recidivism, #focus on marketing, #learn from experience, #free knuckle tattoo, #nicknames for women, #free book, #criminals, #dumb

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The boss: "We only have a 10% repeat customer rate whereas prisons have a 70% rate of recidivism." "We need to focus our marketing on criminals because they don't learn from experience." "Order now and get a free knuckle tattoo plus our free book 1,001 nicknames for women."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 28, 2000's comic on:


Tags #fake surveillance camera, #chepaer, #discourage thefts, #treat employees like criminals, #leave

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Dilbert walks by an open office door and hears, "Pssst!" Dilbert walks in and says, "Yes?" The Boss says, "Come in and shut the door." The Boss continues, "I bought a fake video surveillance camera." The Boss holds the Boss and says, "Install it in the break room tonight." The Boss continues, "It's cheaper than a real camera and it will discourage thefts." Dilbert says, "If you treat employees like criminals, they'll leave." The Boss says, "Good point. You'd better hide the fake camera so no one knows it's there." Dilbert puts the box in the trash and walks away whistling."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 13, 1999's comic on:


Tags #tina tech writer, #inventing stories, #bizarre workplace crimes, #media, #kick start, #Entertainment

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Caption: "Tina the tech writer." Tina holds a paper under her arm. Tina stands at The Bosses desk and says, "I grew tired of writing the same old stories for the newsletter." The Boss reads paper. Tina says, 'So I started inventing stories of bizarre work-place crimes." The Boss reads and looks surprised. Tina says, "Sometimes we in the media have to give the copycat criminals a little kick start."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 13, 1994's comic on:


Tags #career criminlas, #jail, #sentences, #don't reduce crime, #commit crimes, #others commit crimes, #statistics

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"I oppose putting career criminals in jail for life. There's no evidence that longer sentences reduce crime." "So, your theory is that when career criminals are in jail, other people commit more crimes to keep the average up..." "Statistics don't lie, Dogbert." "Unless bad statistics went to jail - then the others WOULD like."