Ever Been Killed Comic Strips

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View 1 - 10 results for ever been killed comic strips. Discover the best "Ever Been Killed" comics from Dilbert.com.

First Time For Everything

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First Time For Everything - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #amazing, #business, #business plan, #concept, #first time, #good, #managers & supervisors, #new, #pandemic, #face mask, #covid

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boss and wally wearing face masks. boss: why should we do what you are suggesting when literally no one has ever tried it before? wally: because everything good and amazing had to be done by someone for the first time. boss: will this be good and amazing? wally: let's keep this on the concept level.

Dogbert Teaches Safety

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 Dogbert Teaches Safety - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #office workers, #safety, #training, #simple, #corporate

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Dogbert: Welcome to Dogbert's corporate safety training. Don't touch anything, don't move around, and don't talk to anyone, ever! Thanks for coming. Dilbert: That's the whole class? Dogbert: Don't blame me for being good at summarizing.

Stopping Theft Everywhere

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Stopping Theft Everywhere - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #office workers, #business, #technology, #system, #reduce, #theft, #dumb, #product

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dilbert: and by using this system, we will drastically reduce theft. co-worker: that's the dumbest think i have ever heard. no one can stop theft everywhere in the world. dilbert: i said we would reduce it, not eliminate it. and only for our own products. co-worker: so, in other words, it won't work. dilbert: it works to reduce theft. co-worker: but you admit there will be theft. dilbert standing and yelling: what is wrong with you???? co-worker: hey, i'm not the one who is in favor of theft.

Asok Meditates

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Asok Meditates  - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #coffee, #psychology, #sarcasm, #business, #meditation, #think, #work, #co-worker, #technology, #enlightenment

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asok: have you ever tried meditating? wally: sounds like a lot of work. asok: it is the opposite of work. all you have to do is sit in one place and think of nothing in particular. wally: can i drink coffee at the same time. asok: that is not recommended. wally: in other words, meditating is what i already do, but without the advantage of coffee? asok: perhaps you have already achieved enlightenment. wally: feels that way to me.

Placebo Effect New

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Placebo Effect   New - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #business, #consultant, #science, #explain, #ancecdotal, #evidence, #misleading, #placebo, #effect

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dilbert: why do you keep explaining to me how science works when you know i already know? sciencesplainer: did you know anecdotal evidence can be misleading? dilbert yelling: yes!!! i knew that!!! sciencesplainer: have you ever heard of the placebo effect? dilbert: GAAAA!!!

No Time Before Next Meeting

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No Time Before Next Meeting - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #boss, #business, #care, #co-workers, #hate, #job, #lesson, #meeting, #nonesence, #procrastinate, #reality, #report, #stupid, #technical, #technology, #time

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dilbert thinking: that meeting ran long, so now i have ten minutes before the next one. i'm suppose to bring a complete technical report, and i haven't even started it. i hate this stupid job! dilbert still thinking but showing signs of distress: i hate my boss! i hate my stupid co-workers! dilbert yelling: i don't care about anything anymore! dilbert thinking and typing on laptop: i'll just angrily slap together a bunch of nonsense and call it good. grrrrrr!!! in conference room. boss: this is your bet report ever. dilbert yelling: what? dilbert at home with dogbert: today i learned a dangerous lesson about reality.

Elbonian Consultant

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Elbonian Consultant - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #managers & supervisors, #business, #consultant, #elbonia, #people, #local, #problem, #distribution, #execute, #Opinion, #barber

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boss: i hired an elbonian consultant because we couldn't afford anyone local. dilbert: have you ever consulted in this country? elbonian consultant: no, but people are people, so i assume it isn't that different from elbonia. boss: that's enough chitchat. tell us what we should do about the problems in our distribution system. elbonian system: i recommend executing one of your distributors as a warning to the others. boss: i'm going to need a second opinion. elbonian consultant: my second opinion is that your barber must hate your guts.

Worst Idea Ever

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Worst Idea Ever - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #idea, #savings, #fake, #psychic, #prediction, #money, #unhappy

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boss: this is the worst idea i have ever seen. dilbert: didn't you once tell me you spent all of your savings on a fake psychic? and the only prediction she got right was that you would lose all of your money? boss: she also predicted i would be unhappy.

Consider Polyamory

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Consider Polyamory - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #psychology, #relationships, #office work, #polyamory, #girl friend, #progress, #business

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alice: have you ever considered trying polyamory? instead of not having one girl-friend, you could not have two. dilbert: that would feel like progress. alice: you're welcome.

Reporting To Two Managers

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Reporting To Two Managers - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #managers & supervisors, #reporting, #vp of sales, #project, #business, #hate

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boss: dilbert, you'll be reporting to the vp of sales for the new project. you will also be reporting to me as usual. dilbert: congratulations on making me hate my job more than ever. boss: and you said it couldn't be done.