Fail Comic Strips
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55 Results for Fail
View 1 - 10 results for fail comic strips. Discover the best "Fail" comics from Dilbert.com.
Sunday February 07,
2021
Dogbert Is Doctor Of Impossible
Tags boring, business, cure, diseases, doctor, fail, headache, ice-cold bath, impossible, improvement, medical, prescribe, sarcasm, treatments, health and wellnes
Transcript
dogbert: i'm dogbert, doctor of the impossible. boss: does that mean you cure diseases that are believed to be impossible to cure? dogbert: no, that sounds boring. i prescribe treatments that are impossible to follow. when you fail you don't get better. you'll think it's your own fault. boss: how does that help anyone but you? dogbert: hey, i'm not the one who brought it up. boss: you're giving me a headache. dogbert: to cure that, i suggest ice-cold baths every six minutes.
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marketing, project, cloud, catbert, leadership, budget, birthday, engineer, time sheet, sales, wally, strategy, dogbert, powerpoint, project management, topper, leader, boss, change, meeting, data, management, mordac
Sunday August 30,
2020
Not A Monopoly
Tags managers & supervisors, senior managment, ceo, government, monopoly, product, essential, modern, life, competition, company, compete, buy out, fail, face mask
Transcript
ceo: the government is threatening to regulate us like a monopoly. boss: are we not a monopoly? ceo: we are simply a company that makes an essential product for modern life, and we have no real competition. boss: that sounds like a monopoly. ceo: no, we are not because other companies could compete with us if they wanted. boss: and of they tried? ceo: as soon as they got some traction we'd buy them and shut them down. dilbert: so... they would fail every time. ceo: but they could try.
Sunday June 21,
2020
Two Bad Options
Tags big business, business, business ethics, business failures/bankruptcies, hide, managers & supervisors, options, analysis, corporate
Transcript
Dilbert: I analyzed our only two options. One option costs too much, and the other option is impossible. Boss: Let's do the impossible one. Dilbert: Perhaps you can explain your reasoning. Boss: According to you, we will fail either way. But if we fail in a slow and inexpensive way, no one will even notice for months. With any luck, we'll have a corporate reorganization that forever hides our gross incompetence. Dilbert: Have you done this before? Boss: Every six months.
Friday March 20,
2020
Two Futures
Saturday January 18,
2020
Poison Pill
Tags co-worker, cross-train, business, relationship, training, bad, fire, poison pill, planner
Transcript
dilbert: i can't shake the feeling that you are intentionally doing a bad job training me how to do your job functions. ted: i'm omitting important steps, so you'll fail hard should i get fired and you are asked to fill in. it's called a "poison pill." dilbert: you're a good planner.
Saturday November 16,
2019
Help Me With Something
Tags office workers, compensation, system, incentive, budget, limit, smart, business
Transcript
male office worker: can you help me with something? dilbert: no, our employee compensation system incentivizes me to let you fail so i can lay claim to a larger share of our limited budget for raises. maybe you could ask someone who is less aware. office worker: none of them are smart enough to help.
Thursday November 07,
2019
Learning What Doesn't Work
Tags managers & supervisors, project, fail, failure, business
Transcript
wally in meeting: my project failed miserably, but i think we can agree we came out ahead. for example, we learned what does not work boss: you? wally: that's one way to look at it.
Wednesday October 23,
2019
Body Language Fail
Tags business, managers & supervisors, body language, fail, deny, psychology, monster
Transcript
female office worker: i can tell by your body language that you want me to fail. dilbert: why would i want you to fail? female: you're not denying it!!! dilbert: well, now i want you to fail. female yelling: you're a monster!
Sunday September 15,
2019
Wally Wears Headphones
Tags employees, irritation, office workers, avoidance, hear, headphones
Transcript
Alice: Do you have a minute? Wally: I can't hear you because I'm wearing noise-cancelling headphones. Alice: Maybe you could take them off for a minute. Wally: I have no idea what you are saying because I'm wearing noise-cancelling headphones. Alice: Then take them off! Wally: If I am reading your lips correctly, I believe you are asking me to "flurp tingo gloop". Alice: Forget it! I'll just let my project fail! Dilbert: How is your anti-co-worker defense system working out? Wally: I can't hear you.
Monday July 29,
2019
Can't Succeed Within The Rules
Tags business, failure, managers & supervisors, rules, success
Transcript
dilbert: if i follow all of our internal rules, my project will fail because of delays. and if i don't follow the rules, you will fire me. what should i do? boss: i like the option where the project is a success but you're a failure.


