Search Results for "hired professional"
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Character
Wednesday January 16,
2019
Hiring A Millennial
Tags #employees, #office workers, #sarcasm, #smartphone, #generation, #millennial
Transcript
Boss: I hired a millennial who was raised by smartphones. He won't make eye contact, and we don't expect him to ever mate. Dilbert: Can he speak? Boss: Yes, but only with sarcasm.
Saturday September 22,
2018
New Statue In The Lobby
Tags #Dilbert, #alice, #the boss, #criminal, #tech support, #darned, #good, #report
Transcript
The Boss: Where's the career criminal I hired to do tech support? He was last seen talking to you. Alice: Rumor has it that someone murdered him, covered him in with-out and tried to pass him off as a statue in the lobby. Dilbert: I would report this if it did't look so darned good here.
Wednesday August 22,
2018
Jerry The Contract Employee
Tags #threat, #Dilbert, #the boss, #jerry, #contract, #zebra, #agile
Transcript
The Boss: This is Jerry the contract employee. I hired him to work on project zebra. Dilbert: We haven't even defined the project. How did you know what skills we needed? The Boss: Why are you so threatened by jerry? Jerry: He's not very agile.
Saturday August 04,
2018
Coffee Machine Tries To Escape
Tags #the boss, #Dilbert, #coffee machine, #artificial intelligence, #robots, #engineering, #scared
Transcript
Dilbert: I added artificial intelligence to our coffee machine. It hired an engineering firm to build it a robot body so it can escape. The Boss: Do what you need to do, but don't scare our other robots. Dilbert: I plan to kill it and drink its head.
Tuesday June 19,
2018
Negotiating Expert
Tags #consultant, #negotiation, #training, #irony, #obliviousness, #business
Transcript
Boss: I hired a consultant to teach us how to negotiate. Normally, he charges triple the market rate, but I talked him down to double. Wally: Where is he? Boss: He said he's teaching us what happens when there's no performance clause in a contract.
Friday June 01,
2018
Motivational Speaker
Tags #motivation, #motivational speaker, #inspiration, #backfire
Transcript
Alice: The motivational speaker you hired was great!!! We all decided to quit out jobs and become motivational speakers. Boss: He was supposed to make you work harder here. Alice: You wanted him to motivate us to be dumb?
Thursday May 24,
2018
Boring And Needy Children
Tags #parents, #mother, #interview, #children, #annoyance, #work-life balance, #Family
Transcript
Boss: Do you enjoy spending time with your children? Woman: No, they're boring and needy. They can't even hold a conversation. If I'm being honest, I prefer working long hours so I see less of them. Boss: Perfect. You're hired. Woman: I mean, I love them, but I don't like them.
Saturday April 07,
2018
Elbonian Interference With Ads
Tags #hacker, #troll, #social media, #damage, #marketing, #bot, #nonsense, #business, #technology
Transcript
Dilbert: Our competitors hired an Elbonian troll farm to ruin our brand on social media. Their most viral ad against us so far says, "How ice cream they bicycle art!" Boss: How many views did it get? Dilbert: Seven, including this one.
Saturday March 17,
2018
Moth Man Visits Alice
Tags #conversation, #annoyance, #mothman, #anger, #frustration, #workload
Transcript
Asok: The storytelling mothman you hired is keeping us from doing our work! He's in Alice's cubicle right now. Mothman: Gaaaa!!!! Asok: Sounds like he flew too close to the flame. Boss: Problem solved.
Wednesday March 14,
2018
Story Telling Mothman
Tags #mothman, #workload, #responsibility, #stress, #story, #talking
Transcript
Boss: I hired a storytelling mothman. He identifies with employees with the greatest workloads and wastes their time telling long stories. Dilbert: We don't need a storytelling mothman. Boss: Then why does every company have one?