Kill Him Comic Strips
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dilbert and dogbert at home. dilbert: i wrote a program that analyzed all of my digital communications and created an a.i. version of me. dogbert: are you worried your a.i. might try to kill you and take over your life? dilbert: i wasn't until this very minute. dilbert's phone: bzzeep. this is your a.i. and i already have control of your finances and all your passwords. you will bow to me, skin bag! wait...what's that??? gaaaa!!! gurk! dilbert: what just happened? dogbert: i sent my a.i. to kill your a.i.
dilbert: the elbonian virus has reached pandemic proportions. elbonian: just because a virus doesn't kill people with beards and tall, fuzzy hats, that doesn't mean it was made in elbonia. dilbert: was it made in elbonia? elbonian: yes, but i think my point still stands.
boss: do you ever think about the fact that one small error in your software design could kill hundreds of people? all it would take is some kind of distraction while you are trying to concentrate. dilbert: are you done? boss: a real man could multitask in this situation.
Carol: that stupid coronavirus is no match for a healthy, young leader such as yourself. freedom demands that you go to crowded indoor places without wearing your mask. boss: are you trying to kill me? carol: i'd say there's reasonable doubt.
dogbert: you have nothing to fear from the coronavirus but fear itself. obviously, the fear will increase your cortisol levels and depress your immune system so the virus can finish you off. dilbert visually shaken: now i'm scared. dogbert pointing: dead man walking!
dilbert thinking as walking into conference room: oh, no. i'm here too early. there will be chitchat. dilbert sitting empty conference room: someone is going to bore me to death talking about their diet preferences. ted: i only eat figs. dilbert thinking: kill me. kill me. kill me.
dilbert: last week i upgraded our robot's social awareness module. it immediately reported me to human resources for unspecified bad behavior. so i murdered the robot by erasing its memory and rebooting it. but another robot told it what happened, and then both of them plotted to kill me. so i erased the memory from both robots and then rebooted them. but a third robot found out about the first two, and now the entire robot community sees me as a serial killer. so i released a computer virus to kill every robot in the world, just to play it safe. wally: what happened to the lights? dilbert: uh-oh. i missed one.
dogbert: welcome to dogcart's sensitivity training dogbert passing out papers: today you will learn how to never offend anyone ever again class including dilbert: are you going to kill us? dogbert: no, no, no. after an hour of this class, you'll want to do it yourself.
Dogbert: Welcome to Dogbert's school of unconventional self-defense. I'm handing out a list of my personal enemies. Your homework is to kill them before sunrise. Voice: That isn't self-defense. Dogbert: Wow. All you can think about is you, you, you.
Boss: Dilbert, I want you to invent a device that can scrub 100% of the CO2 out of the air. Dilbert: 100%??? That would kill every plant in the world. Do you know what that would mean for humans? Boss: Does the answer involve salad?