Kill Self With Belt Comic Strips

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View 1 - 10 results for kill self with belt comic strips. Discover the best "Kill Self With Belt" comics from Dilbert.com.

Coffee Productivity

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Coffee Productivity - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #technology, #business, #projects, #productive, #medical, #coffee, #lie, #medical-grade coffee

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wally in meeting with boss and dilbert: i've been highly productive since switching to medical-grade coffee. i finished all of my projects and did an excellent job on every one. boss: wow! dilbert and wally in hall after: so that stuff actually makes you more productive? wally: no, but it does make me lie better.

Medicinal Grade Coffee

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Medicinal Grade Coffee  - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #health & safety, #office workers, #business, #health, #coffee, #strength, #side effects, #medicinal, #plywood

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wally with coffee: i've had a lot of side effects since i switched to medical-grade coffee. on the plus side, i can see through plywood, and i no longer need a tool to open jars. dilbert: you couldn't open jars before? wally: let's not dwell on that point.

Credit Goes To Boss

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Credit Goes To Boss - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #anger, #business, #culture, #idea, #managers & supervisors, #ownership, #report, #technology

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boss: i realize this report has dilbert's name on it, but the credit goes to me. because i ordered him to do it. dilbert: actually, i came up with the idea and wrote it on my own time. boss: well, i created the culture that made it all possible. dilbert yelling: i did the work!!!

Lover Not A Fighter

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Lover Not A Fighter - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #business, #technology, #software, #price, #lover, #fighter, #report, #human resources, #bully, #sexual discrimination

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dilbert: i'd fight with you on the price of this software, but i'm more of a lover than a fighter. female software vendor: are you hitting on me? you'd better buy my software now, or i'll report you to your own human resources. dilbert: okay. okay. i'll do anything you want. female software vendor: wow. you were right when you said you're not a fighter.

Hand Sanitizer

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Hand Sanitizer - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #office workers, #business, #hand sanitizer, #addicted, #overuse, #face mask, #covid-19, #pandemic

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dilbert: i'm getting addicted to hand sanitizer. it started with my hands, but over time, i extended it up to my forearms, then behind my ears, and it just kept going. dilbert: want a squirt? alice: i don't know where that thing has been.

Lucky Profits

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Lucky Profits - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #bonus, #business, #compensation, #executive, #managers & supervisors, #pandemic, #sarcasm, #technology, #video conferencing, #zoom, #luck

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catbert to ceo: there's a problem with your executive compensation. the company made so much money during the pandemic, purely by luck, that your bonus would be ten million dollars. ceo: i earned it. catbert: you made zoom calls wearing only socks.

Working From Home

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Working From Home - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #business, #distractions, #estimate, #family issues, #ipad, #video conferencing, #yelling, #zoom, #technology

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dilbert video conferencing: when do you think you can get me that estimate? employee on zoom yelling: get off the couch with your shoes! no! no! no! do not throw the iPad! aaah! i am going to strangle you! dilbert: how do you like working at home? employee still yelling: i'm on a zoom call! i said i'm on a call!!!

People Enjoy Context

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People Enjoy Context  - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #managers & supervisors, #video conference, #zoom, #customer, #self, #human, #sarcasm, #face mask

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boss: when you schedule the zoom call with the customer, be sure to include me. dilbert: do you plan to use up all of our time talking about yourself? boss: people enjoy context. dilbert: it's as if you have never met a human.

Building Codes

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Building Codes - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #managers & supervisors, #business, #lab, #construction, #building, #codes, #stringent, #guarantee, #rain, #mayor, #campaign, #sarcasm, #face mask, #false, #hope, #phase

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boss: how's the new lab construction going? dilbert: i'm having some issues with the local building codes. they seem unnecessarily stringent. for example, we have to guarantee no rain touches the roof. boss: why? dilbert: no on knows. but if we donate to the mayor's campaign, the city will designate the roof a "horizontal wall." boss: and then we can begin construction? dilbert: no, that's just the beginnning of the false hope phrase.

Asok Is Overpaid

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Asok Is Overpaid - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #managers & supervisors, #business, #project, #technology, #time, #pay, #argue, #math, #face mask, #salary

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asok: i finished my project in half the projected time. boss: that means i'm paying you twice as much as you deserve. asok: i don't think it means that at all. boss: you look dumb arguing with math.