Misread Social Cues Comic Strips
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dilbert on video call. voice from laptop: billing for your video therapy session begins now. dilbert: i'm worried that all of my recent social isolation has changed me. therapist: how so? dilbert: well, a year ago, i felt awkward and bored around people, and that was bad enough. now i hate them so much that i only pretend to wash my hands. i guess i'm secretly hoping i'm a carrier for a deadly pathogen of some type. am i normal? therapist: i sure hope so because i do the same thing.
boss: dilbert: i need to fire you for your social media activities. dilbert: did i say something offensive? boss: i'm getting reports that you follow bad people on twitter. dilbert: i follow people on both sides of every issue so i can see the full context. boss: that might sound good on paper, but half of the people you follow are monsters of one sort or another. dilbert: isn't it obvious that enforcing this kind of standard can only lead in a bad direction. boss: no, i don't see that at all. all i see is that you associate with people who are monsters. ceo to boss: i'm getting reports that you follow dilbert on twitter.
boss: ted, i have to fire you for liking an unacceptable tweet seven years ago on twitter. ed: it..it..wasn't me. someone hacked my account, or maybe my finger slipped. boss: which lie do you want me to put in your file? ted: did either of them sound plausible?
boss in staff meeting: the company will no longer do performance reviews. from now on, you will be ranked on the acceptability of your political and social opinions. dilbert: do you have a list of acceptable opinions? boss: there will be no hints.
dilbert: where do you want to go to lunch? tina: i want you to suggest a place so i can say yes but still make you feel bad about it. dilbert: how about the thai place? tina: pffft. sure. i'm not that hungry anyway.
wally at coffee pot talking to Dilbert:: social distancing has been a great upgrade to my life. in the old days, women avoided me by at least ten feet. now i often get within seven. i think it's because i'm better-looking with most of my face covered. especially if i wear a hat and sunglasses. and i learned that women will talk to me if i walk the wrong way down a grocery aisle. they're usually complaining but at least they make eye contact. it's sort of a golden age for people like me.
boss: according to my employee tracker, you spent 45 minutes in stall four of the men's room today. wally: i thought you said the purpose of tracking us was to ensure social distancing. boss: i think you have to accept some responsibility for believing it.
boss: we are adding a chip to your employee badges so we can track your social distancing. dilbert: that sounds like a convenient excuse to do something you've always wanted to do anyway. boss: that's probably a coincidence.
girl: my name is ... dilbert: stop right there. my augmented reality glasses are showing me your entire social media history. girl: i hope it makes a good first impression. dilbert yelling: my god, you are dumb!