dilbert: your method of calculating the safety statistics is flawed.
monkey man: wow. wait until i tell everyone you don't think safety matters.
dilbert: i...didn't say that. i'm talking about the way you measured it.
monkey man yelling: it's too late to walk it back now!
dilbert: i'm not "walking it back." i'm clarifying.
monkey man: there's nothing to clarify, you hate safety.
dilbert yelling and waving arms: stop putting words in my mouth!! i'm a better authority on what i think than you are!!!
boss in hallway: what was all that yelling about?
monkey man: dilbert thinks safety doesn't matter.
Dilbert: I don't feel my job is helping me reach my human potential. Boss: We only pay you because monkeys are hard to train and robots are expensive. Dilbert; Maybe I'll just play with my phone and pretend to work. Boss: That's what got the monkey fired.
Boss: Hey! Someone stole my product idea! Dilbert: To be fair, your idea would have been obvious to a monkey with a drinking problem. Boss: But a monkey couldn't build this product. Dilbert: Neither can you. Let's call it a tie.
The Boss: Alice, I want your honest opinion on my plan. Don't hold back.
Alice: Your plan looks like a monkey vomited on a dictionary.
The Boss: I remind my request for honesty,.
Alice: Your plan is terrific!
Dilbert: The animal testing for our app is done. The app is so addictive that Zimbu the monkey was hospitalized for starvation while using it. I think we all know what we need to do. Boss: Submit it to the app store?
Narrator: Zimbu The Monkey. Dilbert: We need to do animal testing on our new app. Do you mind taking a look? Zimbu: I'm getting a strong dopamine hit every time I click on it. Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Dilbert: May I have it back? Zimbu: Put that hand away before I bite it off.
Man: I can't figure out what is wrong with my code. Dilbert: Try rubber ducking it. Man: What? Dilbert: Rubber ducking is when you solve your coding problem by explaining it to a toy rubber duck. When you explain a problem to someone else, it forces you to look at it from new angles. Man: I can't tell if that is a brilliant idea or a practical joke. Dilbert: Ask your boss. Man: Okay, is rubber ducking a brilliant idea or a practical joke. Boss: It's a brilliant idea. I get most of my management ideas by talking to an imaginary rhesus monkey. Dilbert: I think you muddied the waters there a little bit.
Boss: Criticize the behavior, not the person. The email you sent to everyone looks as if it had been written by a monkey on crack. Just to be clear, you are terrific, but everything you do is exactly what a moron would do.
Behold my greatness! I was na engineer at google before I evolved to pure energy!
Behold my path that will suck the energy out of you like a monkey on an orange.
Good bot, Right in the cup.
