Need More Funding Comic Strips
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boss: the best part of having a remote workforce is firing them by text. boss typing on smartphone. Boss: ted, you're fired. tap tap tap. catbert: it's done? boss: no, i also need to give a thumbs-up to his crying face emoji.
dilbert: i feel a deep need to belittle your opinion, but it would be awkward doing it in person. would you mind moving away from me so i can email you my insult? dilbert in hall by himself. dilbert: a little more....
dilbert: elbonian hackers stole our employee performance ranking database, and now they demand a ransom payment to give it back. boss: they can keep it. we've been ranking employees solely on their haircuts for years, and no one has complained yet. dilbert: what? boss walking away: we will speak of this no more.
salesman: i'll need you to sign a nondisclosure agreement before i can show you our new product. dilbert: you wasted a trip here because i won't be doing that. the fact that you even asked me to sign an nda tells me your company is incompetent. dilbert: i prefer giving my business to a vendor who can show me their product without getting a lawyer involved. salesman: you could sign it without having your lawyer review it. dilbert yelling: do i look like an idiot? salesman holding out nda toward dilbert. dilbert: well? do i? salesman: only form your chin to your forehead area.
tina: i have a complaint about the men in the office. catbert: all of them? tina: yes, they're all stupid pigs. catbert: can you be more specific? tina: okay, they're basically visayan warty pigs in the i.q. range of 20 to 40.
boss: if you finish by the deadline, i'll recommend you for a million dollar bonus. dilbert: you're lying. boss: i'm serious. dilbert: but you're also lying. boss: only one way to find out. dilbert: i'd need to work around the clock for weeks to meet the deadline. boss: that's the spirit! dilbert: if you're lying about the bonus, i'm going to be boiling mad. five weeks later. dilbert: it nearly killed me, but i finished by the deadline. where's my million dollar bonus. boss: i told you i'd recommend it. they said no.
ceo: i've decided our company needs to get more involved in controversial politics. dilbert: wouldn't the predictable impact of that be a huge drop in our earnings? ceo: no, no. people will love us for getting involved. dilbert: can you at least hold off until i sell all of my stock.
dilbert: before we get married, we need to talk about a few things. first, i'm only marrying you to prove i'm not a bigot and to save my job. second, neither of us is gay. elbonian man: they say marriage takes work.
dilbert and ceo on video call. dilbert: it isn't fair that alice gets all the best projects. boss: and what's your point? dilbert: it's not fair. boss: you already said that. dilbert: you should do something to make it more fair. boss: why? dilbert: because it's not fair? boss: did you bump your head?
dilbert and boss on video call. boss: i checked my files, and i see no nemesis has been assigned to you. dilbert: why do i need a nemesis? boss: it prevents you from being successful enough to take my job. dilbert: okay, that makes sense.