No Good Plan Comic Strips
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Share July 22, 2019's comic on:
boss: according to experts, about half of all employees are typically doing 100% of the work. i plan to beat the system by firing half of you. dilbert: wouldn't you need to keep firing half of whoever was left until you were down to one employee? boss: yes, but imagine how hard he will work.
Share July 13, 2019's comic on:
Man: I disagree with your email saying the plan won't work. Dilbert: My email said exactly the opposite. I said the plan will definitely work. Man: No, I read it with my own eyes. Dilbert: I'm the one who wrote it!!!
Share July 12, 2019's comic on:
Boss: How can you be sure there are no unforeseen risks with this plan? Dilbert: It is not possible to know if one has considered every risk. Therefore, we can never be sure. Boss: So...I can still blame you for any problems that pop up? Dilbert: Yes, that part of the process is still intact.
Share July 07, 2019's comic on:
dilbert, the boss and wally at conference room table. the boss: the company is announcing generous buyout packages for employees who elect to leave. dilbert: won't all the smart people leave first because they can easily get new jobs at higher pay? the boss: ummm... dilbert: if you don't get enough volunteers, will you start firing people? the boss: we have no plan to do that. dilbert: will you make a plan if too few people leave? the boss: oh, yes. dilbert: would it be fair to say the people who stay will envy the dead? the boss: um... one week later: the boss: how many took the offer? carol: it's just you now.
Share July 05, 2019's comic on:
the boss: we had a leadership meeting to decide how to move forward. the boss: but all the leaders left the meeting with wildly different ideas about what we agreed on. carol: how do you leaders plan to solve that? the boss: phase one involves accusing each other of being stupid.
Share July 02, 2019's comic on:
ceo: maybe we should creat a "center of excellence." the boss: what exactly does that mean? ceo: i think it means whatever we want it to mean. the boss: then what good is it? ceo: let's not get lost in the weeds.
Share June 30, 2019's comic on:
dogbert: i'm opening a beg-and-pay store. dilbert: what will you be selling? dogbert: selling? dogbert: you are way behind the times. dogbert: stores don't sell things anymore. dogbert: selling would require good customer service and lots of stock on hand. dogbert: if you want that sort of thing, use the internet. dogbert: i just want a place where people can go and beg me to sell them stuff that isn't in stock. office worker: can you help me find this hat in my size? dogbert: beg!!!
Share June 26, 2019's comic on:
ted: let's plan a huddle to ideate around that opportunity. dilbert visually distressed and yelling: gaaa!!! i have jargon poisoning! ted: i'll send you a calendar invite. dilbert has fell over and feet are in air.
Share June 25, 2019's comic on:
dibert, the boss and ask at conference table. the boss: our plan for reducing turnover is to encourage smoking. the boss: that way, everyone gets a relaxing smoke break several times per day. dilbert: or non-smokers could take breaks. the boss: now i wish you had been in the meeting when we planned this.
Share June 23, 2019's comic on:
the boss: i can't give you a raise because you did not complete your project. dilbert: that's because you canceled my project for budget reasons and assigned me to work on another project. the boss: did you finish your new project? dilbert: you only recently assigned it to me. the boss: apparently, i keep giving you work, but you never complete any of it. dilbert visually distressed: that is a total distortion of what happened! dilbert: i can't reward you for having good intentions and finishing nothing! dilbert: why not wait and see now i do on my current project? the boss: we don't need that anymore.