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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 03, 2014's comic on:

Tags #disciplines, #horns, #injected, #magic, #spell remover, #tail, #work ethic, #performance enhancing, #drugs, #boss injected

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Dilbert: Our boss injected me with job performance enhancing drugs. Wally: Job performance be gone! Apparently, I can do that now. Asok: I must find more disciples.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 24, 2012's comic on:

Tags #death & dying, #death certificate, #staple on head, #no return messages

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Alice: You haven't returned any of my messages, so I took the liberty of making a death certificate for you. I'll just staple it to the back of your head so everyone can see it. Are we good here?

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 13, 2008's comic on:

Tags #make copies, #mental task, #bloated cadaver, #staple or no, #asks secretary

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Asok: Our boss asked me to make some copies. But I fear doing such a menial task will brand me as unimportant." Asok: I was hoping you could make the copies for me since your career is already a bloated cadaver If I am reading your body language correctly, you are wondering 'staple or no staple?'"

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 12, 2002's comic on:

Tags #study culture, #in company, #detailed recommendations, #docile outcast, #drinks brown water, #staple tracking device

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Dogbert is standing on The Boss' desk wearing a hat, a backpack, and holding a stick. Dogbert says, "I will study the culture in your company and make detailed recommendations." Dogbert observes Wally and records, "The one I call Wally is a docile outcast who eats bananas and drinks brown water." Dogbert asks Wally, "Do you mind if I staple this tracking device to your ear?" Wally responds, "Not really."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 03, 2002's comic on:

Tags #coffee with boss, #one hour, #quality time, #rather staple skunk, #snarky remarks, #cutting insulting

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The Boss says to Carol, "I call my idea 'Coffee with the Boss.' Each employee will get one hour of quality time with me." Carol responds, "I'd rather staple a skunk to my forehead and go to a trade show for banjo makers." Carol continues, "And yet, it's still better than working, so count me in." The Boss replies, "That's the spirit!"

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 28, 2001's comic on:

Tags #trapped in offcie, #scream, #staple remover, #claw wall, #door is pull not puch

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The Boss walks up to Carol's desk. He is thoroughly disheveled; his hair is messed up, his shirt is torn and dirty. He exclaims, "I've been trapped in my office for three days! Didn't you hear me scream?" The Boss continues, shaking his hands frantically in front of Carol: "I used my staple remover to claw through the side wall!" Carol responds calmly, "Your door is a pull, not a push." The Boss, looking confused, replies, "Get me a bigger staple remover just to be safe."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 18, 2001's comic on:

Tags #approval, #marketing, #pathetic plan, #knowing plans, #interest, #smite enemies, #cloud of doom, #sales projections, #business

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Handing Dilbert a piece of paper, The Boss says, "Get approval from marketing." Dilbert walks away carrying the paper and followed by a little cloud which says, "Doom." The Marketing man, sitting at his desk, has devil's horns on his head. The marketing man says, "I reject your pathetic plan." Showing the piece of paper, Dilbert asks, "Do you have any interest in knowing what the plan is?" The little cloud that says, "Doom," continues hovering near Dilbert's head. The marketing man says, "Not unless you're proposing to smite my enemies." Dilbert says, "I prefer to call them customers. And yes, they'll take it in the shorts." The little cloud that says, "Doom," continues hovering near Dilbert's head. Dilbert says, "As an added inducement I will give you this cool little Cloud of Doom. The little cloud that says, "Doom," continues hovering near Dilbert's head. The marketing man says to the Cloud of Doom, "I'm going to staple you to my sales projections." The little cloud that says, "Doom," is now hovering near the marketing man's head.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 13, 1997's comic on:

Tags #bad advice show, #married, #divorce, #radio show, #Dogbert, #explain, #dead woodchuck, #household tips, #black paint, #stain remover, #all cheese diet

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Dogbert is hosting a radio talkshow. He sits at the microphone. He says, "You're on the radio with Dogbert's "Bad Advice Show." How may I hurt you?" Women on the phone asks, "My boss asked me for a date. We're both married. What should I do?" Dogbert says, "Divorce your husband. He sounds like a loser to me." Women says, "Yes, yes it all makes sense when you explain it that way." Dogbert says, "Then mail a dead woodchuck to your boss with a note that says...." Dogbert is heard over the phone. Dogbert says, "Unlike this woodchuck my love for you will never die." Women says, "Thanks. I love your show." Dogbert says, "Moving on to household tips, did you know that black paint is an excellent stain remover?" Dilbert walks in with a huge black stain on his shirt. Dilbert says, "Can we talk?" Dogbert says, "And those are just SOME of the benefits of an all-cheese diet."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 18, 1996's comic on:

Tags #intern asok, #sturdier than last, #staple rmover, #pass the intern

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The Boss says to Dilbert and Alice, "Hey, everybody. Meet our new intern, Asok." Alice picks up Asok and says, "I hope this one's sturdier than the last one." Wally shouts over the cubicle walls, "My staple remover is broken. Somebody toss that intern to me!"

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 01, 1995's comic on:

Tags #Catbert, #sadistic plot, #different objectives, #staus report, #staple himself

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Catbert peers over the wall of Wally's cubicle and says, "Guess what, Wally." Wally says, "What sadistic plot has HR come up with now, Catbert?" Catbert shows Wally an org chart and says, "We're giving you a real boss plus a 'dotted line' to another boss who has different objectives." Catbert continues, "The status reports alone will take forty hours a week." Wally opens a stapler and says, "I'm gonna staple myself to death."