Search Results for "system"

You can also use "quotes" and & to narrow down results.

The Candy Honor System

Thank you for voting.
The Candy Honor System - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 17, 2018's comic on:


Tags #candy, #irritation, #office workers, #steal, #stealing food, #office, #trust

View Transcript

Transcript

Carol: I put a candy bowl on my desk, and someone stole the entire bowl within five minutes. I'm old enough to remember when the honor system meant something. What happened to trust? Boss: Maybe the candy wasn't as good back then.

Candor Monster

Thank you for voting.
Candor Monster - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 05, 2018's comic on:


Tags #the boss, #carol, #radical candor, #therapy, #criticism, #monster

View Transcript

Transcript

The Boss: My new system of using "radical candor," is working out great. I've been criticizing people all morning and only three of them went into therapy over it. Now I turn my candor to you. Carol: Die, monster!

Purchasing Did Not Order Part

Thank you for voting.
Purchasing Did Not Order Part - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 12, 2018's comic on:


Tags #delays, #excuses, #laziness, #work ethic, #scapegoat, #deadline, #delay

View Transcript

Transcript

Wally: The purchasing department rejected my request for a key system part because of a typo on their form. But they didn't tell me for three months, so now my product launch will be delayed by that much. Boss: But they finally ordered the part? Wally: I call that unknowable.

Value Of An Employee's Life

Thank you for voting.
Value Of An Employee's Life - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 04, 2018's comic on:


Tags #big business, #ethics, #morals, #morality, #death, #damage, #value, #medical

View Transcript

Transcript

Dilbert: The proposed system would reduce accidental employee deaths by 20 percent. CEO: What is the ratio of the value of an employee's life compared to real people? Dilbert: I find your question disturbing. CEO: Just tell me the answer, halfling!

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 01, 2018's comic on:


Tags #training, #frustration, #wasting time

View Transcript

Transcript

Man: Thank you all for coming to this mandatory class on using the new system. The new system installation is behind schedule, so I'll train you using the old system. Dilbert: we know how to use the old system. Man: I'll point out how the new system is different as we go. Dilbert: Is the new system a lot like the old system? Man: No. Totally different. Dilbert: This is the worst idea I've ever heard. Man: Here are some handouts from the old system's operating guide. Dilbert: This is the Japanese language part of the manual. Man: Are you going to complain about everything?

Porch Thief Is Neutralized

Thank you for voting.
Porch Thief Is Neutralized  - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 19, 2018's comic on:


Tags #violence, #retaliation, #delivery, #package, #stealing, #theft, #ring, #technology

View Transcript

Transcript

Alice: Uh-oh. My home security system is showing a thief stealing a package from my front door. Activating particle beam defense. The threat has been neutralized. Dilbert: When you say "neutralized," does that mean... Alice: Activating crime scene cleanup drone.

Kill Code In Car

Thank you for voting.
Kill Code In Car  - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 30, 2018's comic on:


Tags #self-driving cars, #technology, #invention, #murder, #control, #government

View Transcript

Transcript

Dilbert: The government forced me to put a "kill code" in the operating system for our self-driving cars. Dogbert: And by "kill code," you mean it will bring the vehicle to a controlled stop? Dilbert: No, you're thinking of a "stop code."

Murder By Car

Thank you for voting.
Murder By Car   - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 29, 2018's comic on:


Tags #self-driving cars, #technology, #murder, #invention

View Transcript

Transcript

Wally: The pointy-haired boss is testing our self-driving car prototype. Hey, didn't you write the operating system for that prototype? Dilbert: Yes. Wally: Hypothetically, could you murder him from a distance? Dilbert: We shouldn't have this conversation. Narrator: Continued.

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 21, 2018's comic on:


Tags #address, #address of meeting, #anger, #driving, #gps, #inattentive, #lost, #meeting, #naviagte, #navigation system, #snap, #using phone, #business

View Transcript

Transcript

Dilbert: Whats the address for our meeting? The Boss: You don't need it. I'll tell you where to turn, Dilbert: With all due respect you are not a reliable navigation system. You will be using your phone and you will forget to tell me when to turn. Dilbert: If I point out your inattentiveness you will snap at me,. Dilbert: I wil be seething with anger for the entire drive, while wondering if I am already lost and don't know it. or you could tell me the address now. The boss: You don't need it. I'll tell you when to turn. AN HOUR LATER Dilbert: must... not drive...over...cliff....

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 22, 2017's comic on:


Tags #morals, #blame

View Transcript

Transcript

Dilbert: Don't finish the software patch. We're replacing the entire system. Man: Why didn't you tell me sooner? Dilbert: I just found out. Man: While you were standing here. Dilbert: Um, no, I was standing somewhere else. Man: When? Dilbert: Twenty minutes ago. Man: Aha!!! You wasted twenty minutes of my time because you're a terrible person! Dilbert; I'm sorry. Now I feel awful. Man: You're just lucky I forgot to work on that patch.