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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 18, 2005's comic on:


Tags #buy advertsising, #gullible world, #2 billion readers, #three readers

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Would you like to buy advertising in my new magazine called 'Gullible World'? "We have between one and two billion readers!" "Wow!" "I figured out how to make three readers sound like a lot."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 16, 2012's comic on:


Tags #apology, #bald, #business ethics, #company lawyer, #discrimination, #lawyers, #nearsighted, #one billion, #short, #statue

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Lawyer: I've been asked to settle your claim of discrimination against the company. Your complaint is that they discriminate against you for being short, bald, and nearsighted. I might have a conflict of interest, but my final offer is one billion dollars. Wally: Plus a statue and an apology. Company lawyer.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 17, 2012's comic on:


Tags #actions & defenses, #billion dollars, #business ethics, #golden key, #rich people, #top 1%, #flying unicorn

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Boss: Here's a billion dollars to settle your claim of discrimination against short, bald, nearsighted guys. Wally: I'm in the top 1% now. I wonder where we hold our secret meetings. Boss: Ask the tiny flying unicorn with the golden key.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 20, 2012's comic on:


Tags #prosperity, #saving & investment, #portfolio, #standard industry, #investing, #billion dollars, #index funds, #money

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Dogbert: I'll manage your portfolio for a standard industry fee of 1% per year. Wally: I'm investing a billion dollars. Your fee would be $10 million per year. Dogbert: Those index funds aren't going to pick themselves.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 28, 1991's comic on:


Tags #women's, #power, #organization, #two, #billion, #Dilbert

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Dilbert opens his door to two women. One woman says, "Hi, we're with the 'Women's Power Organization.' Do you have a moment?" The woman hits Dilbert in the stomach and his glasses fly off his face. Dilbert lies in the doorway. As they walk away one woman asks, "How many are left?" The other woman replies, "Two billion."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 17, 1991's comic on:


Tags #Dilbert, #car, #salesman, #Dogbert, #lying, #part, #crime, #pay, #retired, #readers digest, #special, #story

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Dilbert sits in his chair and Dogbert sits on the hassock. Dogbert says, "I quit my job as a used car salesman." Dilbert asks, "Because you couldn't keep lying?" Dogbert replies, "No, the lying was good. I liked that part." Dilbert asks, "Was it because crime doesn't pay?" Dogbert says, "I made $400,000 this week. I'm retired now." Dilbert says, "I don't think this will ever be a 'Reader's Digest' very special story."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 03, 1993's comic on:


Tags #Dilbert, #Dogbert, #readers digest, #dog, #found, #hundred, #instinct

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Dilbert drives the car and Dogbert sits in the passenger seat. Dogbert asks, "Where are we now?" Dilbert replies, "I can't tell you. That's part of the experiment." Dogbert sits on the roof of the car and Dilbert holds a clipboard. Dilbert says, "I read in 'Reader's Digest' how a dog found his way home from a hundred miles away. I want to test your homing instinct." When Dilbert isn't looking, Dogbert drives away in the car. Dilbert says, "Okay, I think we're ready to begin . . ."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 04, 1993's comic on:


Tags #Dilbert, #the boss, #billion, #dollars, #earnings, #projections, #level, #donuts, #meetings

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The Boss, Dilbert, Wally and a woman sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "The company is a billion dollars below its earnings projections." The Boss continues with his mouth full, "From now on, only the managers at my level or above may eat donuts at company meetings." The Boss continues, "This won't be easy for any of us. Heck, I don't even know if I can eat this many donuts."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 30, 1993's comic on:


Tags #Dogbert, #news, #jobs, #billion, #owls, #asteroid, #coincidence, #researchers, #television, #device, #idiots

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The caption says, "Dogbert's good news show." Dogbert sits at a news desk and says, "Nine out of ten people have jobs . . . Three billion people had a nice day today . . . And the forest has plenty of owls." The caption says, "Regular news show." A news anchor says, "A huge asteroid could destroy earth! And by coincidence, that's the subject of tonight's miniseries." The other reporter yells, "We'll all die!!" The caption says, "Back to Dogbert . . ." Dogbert holds a remote control and says, "In science, researchers proved that this simple device can keep idiots off of your television screen."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 19, 1994's comic on:


Tags #static, #copyright, #fifty billion, #film library, #blow deal, #copyrighted everything

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Dilbert: You can't copyright the static on blank TV channels! Dogbert: "I already did." Dilbert: "You can't let my company pay fifty billion dollars to buy your so-called film library." Dogbert: "I already am." Dilbert: "I may have to blow the whistle on this deal." DOgbert: "It'll have to be a nose whistle - I copyrighted everything else."