The Boss says to Dilbert, "Write a performance evaluation for yourself." The Boss continues, "Shoot for about 3% raise...because that's what you're getting." Dilbert's computer states, "Dilbert's inventions will earn a billion dollars. But we think he steals almost as much."
Boss: I can only give you a 3% raise. If you want more, take it up with our CEO. Dilbert: I'd like to explain why I deserve more than a 3% raise. As a negotiating strategy, Dogbert will simultaneously read a media report about your lavish $85 million mansion. I invented three new technologies this year. Dogbert: "The toilets are solid gold." Dilbert: I wrote most of the code for our new product. Dogbert: "The helicopter pad is on the roof of the car museum." Dilbert: I worked eighty hours per week. Dogbert: "Every elevator has a full kitchen." Dilbert: I could earn more at Google or Apple... Dogbert: "Entire house rotates for optimal sun exposure." Dilbert: Do you see where I'm going with this? CEO: High-five?
The Boss: Don't feel bad if you only got a 3% raise; I only got 2% myself.
Alice: "Can we feel bad that 2% if your pay is bigger than 3% of our pay?"
The Boss: "Don't get all mathy on me."
Don't feel bad if you only got a 3% raise; I only got 2% myself. "Can we feel bad that 2% of your pay is bigger than 3% of our pay?" "Don't get all mathy on me."
Asok: I just learned that our boss is a bad negotiator. Wally: How bad? Asok: I just negotiated a 3.3-million-dollar raise for myself. And I want 80 percent of the raises you two get because I told you. Dilbert and Wally: 75 percent is our final offer!
Asok: I need a raise because the cost of living around here is too high. Boss: Stop being greedy. I pay you plenty. Asok: I can't even afford to rent an apartment. Boss: Get some roommates. Asok: I can't afford that either. I've been sleeping on a baby changing table in a public restroom. And the janitor has been charging me $3,000 per month for that. Boss: How wide is the baby changing table? Asok: Not wide enough for a roommate. Boss: Well, I'm out of ideas.
Dilbert: I can't in good conscience support inaccurate health claims about our products. I quit.
Boss: I'll give you 20% raise if you stay.
Wally: I quit too, because of all the ethnics and stuffs.
Dilbert: Don't ruin this for me.
wally: our new system installation is a catastrophe.
wally: we need to tear it out and re-architect it from scratch.
wally: i'm the only person qualified to lead that effort.
wally: but given the enormity of the job, i won't do it without a raise or promotion.
the boss: weren't you the cause of the catastrophe?
wally: exactly: that's why i'm the only person who knows how to fix it.
the boss: are you blackmailing me?
wally: no, it's nothing like that.
the boss: wouldn't i be rewarding you for failure?
wally: let's not label it.
office worker: i've been working here for nine years, and you haven't given me a single raise!
boss: i didn't even know you worked for me. obviously, you didn't do anything useful, or i would have noticed.
office worker: well, in that case, i'm glad i didn't give my name.
Dilbert: In my spare time I created some awesome new features for our product. Boss: GAAA!!! Shut the door! Dilbert: What?!! Boss: You fool! If my boss finds out you have spare time, he'll think we're overstaffed! You can never speak of these awesome new features again. Dilbert: I'm confused. You told me I need to go above and beyond my job description to get the highest performance rating. Boss: That's just something I say to keep you from getting a healthy raise. Dilbert: So... I lose no matter what I do? Boss: For what it's worth, you're doing better than our customers.
