Dilbert: "My company wants me to design a private moon shuttle in three months. Doom is inevitable."
Dogbert: "What you need is a scapegoat to blame for the project never getting finished. I'll send one over."
Dilbert: "I was almost done, and then this idiot comes along."
The Boss: "What? You have no accomplishments this month???"
"What did you do for the past three months?"
Dilbert: "Well, I spent much of that time correcting misconceptions that you gave to our customers."
"And I attended meetings with you to keep you from creating additional misconceptions."
"I spent a month working on an objective that you forgot to tell me didn't matter."
"I flew to the wrong city for a meeting because you confused Houston with Austin."
"And I upgraded your home computer so you wouldn't have to pay someone to do it."
"Allow me to paraphrase: Blah, blah, blah, you didn't accomplish anything."
Coworker: Three months. That's how long I have been waiting for you to do your part of the project. Wally: Perhaps you don't realize how many projects I'm on. Coworker: Have you done any work for the other projects? Wally: That would defeat the point of having multiple projects.
Dilbert points to a screen that says, 'Schedule 8 Months." Dilbert says, "In a perfect world, the project would take eight months." Dilbert points to another screen and says, "But based on past projects in this company, I applied a 1.5 incompetence multiplier." Dilbert continues, "And then I applied an L.W.F. of 6.3." The Boss asks, "L.W.F?" Alice answers, "Lying Weasel Factor."
Dilbert: I'm preparing for the complete meltdown of our financial system. I've got six months of food and water. I have batteries, flashlights, and gold coins. Alice: I'm prepare too. I have your home address. And I noticed that your preparations are light on defensive weaponry. Can you add some protein bars to the shopping list?
Dilbert: Merry Christmas, Sarah. This is for you. Woman: Have you met? Dilbert: We attended the same network design meeting last April. I overheard you telling someone in the hallway that you like a specific brand of makeup. So I bought a box of it and kept it in the closet for months. I came to work early today and hid behind the sculpture in the lobby until I saw you heading to the elevator. Alice: I didn't know you could gift wrap creepiness. Sorry. Just act like I'm not here.
Dilbert: I spent four months creating this app, mom. I think I can sell a million of them for $3.99. Mom: I saw seven apps just like this in the app store and five of them were free. Dilbert: Thanks for the feedback, dream-killer. Mom: Have you ever thought of just using your first name, like Madonna?
Dilbert stands in front of a man's desk holding a gadget. The man asks, "So, Dilbert, this is the prototype you've been working on for the last six months?" Dilbert replies, "Yes, sir. I'm proud to say that this baby can transform worthless pocket lint into a valuable parsley substitute!" The man says, "Well, this looks absolutely brilliant and completely unmarketable." Dilbert says, "Thanks, I'm technology driven."
"If I start the project today and work nights and weekends it will take...oh, six months."
"It has to be done in ONE month so we can show it to our VP on her annual visit."
"I have to know; does it even cross your mind to handle this differently?"
"I'll need daily status reports on why you're so behind."
The Boss sits at a desk. Dilbert reads a printout and says, "Our original project time line was twelve months . . . But since you pitched in to help . . ." Dilbert continues, "I don't have an exact date, but it's roughly the same time that the sun becomes a cold dark chunk of coal the size of your forehead." The Boss says, "We'll need flashlights." Dilbert says, "And sweaters. It could get nippy."
