Achieved Comic Strips
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15 Results for Achieved
View 1 - 10 results for achieved comic strips. Discover the best "Achieved" comics from Dilbert.com.
Tuesday November 14,
1989
Tags #Dilbert, #Dogbert, #writing, #affirmations, #thoery, #objective, #achieved, #garden, #slug
Transcript
Dogbert stands at a desk writing on a piece of paper. Dilbert asks, "What's all the writing for?" Dogbert replies, "It's called 'affirmations.'" Dogbert explains, "The theory is that if you write down your objective fifteen times a day, the objective will be achieved, no matter how unlikely." Dilbert reads the affirmation and says, "But you've written 'Dilbert will be eaten by a garden slug.'" Dogbert replies, "It's all I could think of."
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marketing, project, cloud, catbert, leadership, budget, birthday, engineer, time sheet, sales, wally, strategy, dogbert, powerpoint, project management, topper, leader, boss, change, meeting, data, management, mordac
Monday May 06,
1996
Tags #wally compensation, #equalibrium, #project, #lower quality, #consistent, #salary, #first month, #after raises, #achieved equilibrium, #money
Transcript
The Boss, Alice, Wally and Dilbert sit at a conference table. Wally says, "This week I kicked off the 'Wally Compensation Equilibrium Project.'" Wally continues, "My goal is to lower the quality of my work until it is consistent with my salary." The Boss thinks, "I hate the first month after they see their raises." Wally says, "I'd go on, but I just achieved equilibrium."
Thursday February 27,
2014
Tags #cruelty, #frustration, #achieved golas, #secret goals, #set for you, #failed to achieve, #anger, #exact situation
Transcript
Dilbert: I'm happy to report that I achieved every goal you set for me last year. Boss: But you failed to achieve the secret goals I set for you. Dilbert: Why would you have secret goals for me?!! Boss: For this exact situation.
Saturday July 20,
1996
Tags #update objectives, #need targets, #hard work, #support management, #picture
Transcript
Alice sits at her desk. The Boss says, "It's time for me to update your objectives, Alice." The Boss continues, "We need targets that can only be achieved by amazingly hard work plus the constant support of management." The Boss says, "I'm busy, so you'll have to write them yourself." Alice asks, "What's wrong with this picture?"
Thursday August 17,
2000
Tags #salary, #115%, #mid point, #supervisors package, #no peeking, #money
Transcript
The Boss says to Dilbert, "Your salary is 115% of the midpoint for your range. Isn't that exciting?" Dilbert replies, "Why don't you say it's 115% below the top of the range which can never be achieved under our system?" The Boss answers with both hands covering the paper on his desk, "No peeking at the supervisor's page."
Wednesday December 19,
2001
Tags #written objectives, #hidden objectives, #smothered with defectiveness
Transcript
The Boss says to Wally, "Wally, you have failed to achieve any of your written objectives." The Boss continues, "But by pure chance you achieved all of my hidden objectives." The Boss hands Wally a piece of paper and says, "Here's another project I need smothered with defectiveness." Wally responds, "I'm all over it."
Monday March 08,
2004
Tags #unverifiable prodcutivity, #phone call, #built consensus, #attended meetings, #set priorities
Transcript
Wally: "This week I achieved unprecedented levels of unverifiable productivity." "I made phone calls, built consensus, displayed leadership, attended meetings and set priorities." "And then we have this meeting."
Thursday June 11,
2009
Tags #plans, #meeting, #leadership, #failure, #ridiculous, #business
Transcript
Dogbert the CEO Dogbert says, "We'll execute our strategy in the usual way." Dogbert says, "The powerful will delegate to the untalented until failure is achieved." The boss says, "How long will that take?" Dogbert says, "We just finished."
Sunday July 23,
2006
Transcript
"What the...? How can you be relaxed with so much work to do?" "Your mistake is taking pride in how much work you can complete." "You see, Alice, there's an infinite quantity of potential work." "But it's only possible to do a finite amount." "You have set yourself up for certain failure according to your own arbitrary standard." "By way of contrast, I take pride in not taking pride in my work." "I've already achieved my goal and it's not even lunch time yet." "Don't you need a new goal for after lunch?" "I'm aiming for a distended stomach."
Sunday April 10,
2005
Tags #regular goals, #stretch goals, #sacrifice health, #personal life, #criminal conduct, #bonus, #salaries below budget, #ultra stretchy, #employee rights, #taken advantage, #cheat employee
Transcript
"Here are your regular goals and here are your stretch goals." "What's the difference?" "The regular goals can be achieved by sacrificing health and your personal life." "The stretch goals require all of that plus some sort of criminal conduct." "I'm guessing that your boss gave uou the regular goals and you came up with the stretch goals on your own." "That way, When I achieve the regular goals you'll get a raise because I missed the stretch goals." "Then you'll get a bouns for salaries below budget." "Maybe we should talk about the ultra-stretch goals later."