Actual Job Comic Strips
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981 Results for Actual Job
View 1 - 10 results for actual job comic strips. Discover the best "Actual Job" comics from Dilbert.com.
Friday July 18,
2008
Tags #moral compass damaged, #vice president, #miserable and helpless, #actual job
Transcript
A man says, "It has come to my attention that your moral compass is damaged." The man says, "I'm promoting you to vice president of making employees feel miserable and helpless." Dilbert says, "That's an actual job?" The man says, "It doesn't happen on its own."
Sunday March 20,
2016
Tags #technology, #coding, #code, #control, #efficiency, #purpose, #job, #red tape, #business
Transcript
Mordac: Step away from that open source code! Dilbert: Why? Mordac: Because I am Mordac, The Preventer of All Efficient Solutions in the Information Technology Realm. Dilbert: That isn't an actual job. Mordac: I was hoping it was. I lost the file with my job description. That was five years ago. I've been winging it since then. My parents taught me that I could be anything I wanted to be. And I wanted to be this. So don't use that code! Dilbert: Not even when you turn around?
Friday April 10,
2009
Tags #dating, #flirting, #yelling, #scared, #confused, #relationships
Transcript
Dilbert says, "I have an actual job and I don't live at home." Dilbert says, "My offspring would probably be smart." Woman says, "My palms are getting sweaty and my heart is pounding. What is going on?" Dilbert says, "It's a Darwinian thing." Woman says, "Make it stop!"
Sunday November 08,
1998
Tags #wally and boss, #no actual work, #excellent reviews, #make job helll, #moved cucbicle, #bathroom stall, #cubicle with door, #calls mother
Transcript
Wally sits in the Boss' office. The Boss says, "Wally, you haven't done any actual work in years, and yet we continue to pay you." Wally says, "Have I said thanks?" The Boss replies, "I'd fire you, but your performance reviews are all 'excellents." The Boss continues, "So, my plan is to make your job a living hell until you quit." Wally raises his fist and says, "You'll never win! My standards are lower than you can imagine!" The Boss says, "I'll start by moving you to a smaller cubicle." Wally crosses his arms and says, "Is that the best you got? Ha! Ha! Ha!" Wally is in a bathroom stall on the phone. He says, "Mom, guess who got an office with a door!"
Sunday February 28,
2010
Tags #meeting, #accomplish, #week, #fantasy, #time magazine, #entrepreneurial, #real job, #motion to head, #powerpoint slides, #horror, #real life, #kill, #business
Transcript
The Boss says, "Dilbert, what did you accomplish this week?" Dilbert says, "I doubled my sales and made the cover of Time magazine." The Boss says, "What?" Dilbert says, "Oh. Whoops. Sorry." Dilbert says, "For a moment there I confused my entrepreneurial fantasty life with my real job." Dilbert says, "I run a parallel career in my mind. In that world, I'm the founder of a hot start-up."B<R>Dilbert says, "It keeps my brain from fully realizing the horror of my actual career and trying to kill the rest of my body." Dilbert says, "But to answer you original question, this week I made some powerpoint slides that have no particular use." Dilbert says, "GAAA!!! My brain is trying to kill the rest of my body!" The Boss says, "Moving on..."
Monday September 14,
2015
Dilbert Working On Boss's Side Job
Tags #work, #labor, #free, #taking advantage, #side job, #boss, #conflict of interest
Transcript
Boss: Did you finish the website I asked you to make for my side business? Dilbert: No, because you keep me busy 100 percent of the time in my regular job. Boss: Hey, it isn't easy asking for twice as many status updates either.
Thursday December 15,
2016
Asok Has Worst Job In The World
Tags #hit man, #job, #happiness, #satisfaction, #doppelganger, #double, #lookalike, #business, #psychology
Transcript
Asok: I thought I accidentally killed the creator of Garfield, but it turns out I killed his body double. Our boss ordered me to do the hit. I have the worst job in the world. Dilbert: No, I think that body double has the worst job. Asok: I'm only talking about the living.
Saturday February 25,
2017
Wally Is Born For The Job
Tags #legacy, #system, #laziness, #perfect job, #goals, #ambition
Transcript
Boss: I need to set some goals for you. Wally: My job is to maintain the legacy system. My only goal is to avoid accidentally upgrading it. Boss: And how's that going? Wally: I don't like to brag, but I was born for this job.
Saturday July 20,
2019
Job Has No Meaning
Tags #employees, #employment, #job, #salary, #meaningful
Transcript
Dilbert: My job doesn't have meaning. Dogbert: If your employer added meaning to your job, would you agree to a cut in pay? Dilbert: No. Dogbert: I guess we just found the economic value of "meaning".
Saturday April 18,
2020
Great Job For Someone
Tags #business, #office workers, #job, #opening, #private, #office, #opportunity, #background, #rid
Transcript
dilbert: i hear there's a great job opening in operations for someone with your background. big salary, private office. looks like a great opportunity for you. office worker: are you trying to get rid of me? dilbert: not in a way you are suppose to notice.