dilbert holding out banana: i'm not hungry today. do you want my banana?
boss: that's an apple.
dilbert: um..no this is a banana.
boss: clearly it is not.
dilbert: i can't believe you are making me do a google search to prove i know what a banana is. see? those are bananas. this looks just like the photos. this is a banana.
those images are doctored.
dilbert yelling: there are a million banana images! they are not all doctored!
boss: you know how i know you are wrong? because you never admit you are wrong. gotcha!
dilbert yelling: that is not a thing!!!
boss: that's exactly what all the people who are wrong say.
Lawyer: Our newest product infringes patents from Google, Apple, Microsoft, and Oracle. They've joined forces and hired NASA to nudge an asteroid toward our headquarters. Boss: I think we can win this. Lawyer: I wonder what the average life span of an optimist is.
Dogbert: This is the magic dust that Apple puts on all of its consumer products to make you lust after them. I wouldn't sniff it if I were you. Terrific. Now I feel compelled to get a nose like yours for no rational reason.
Dilbert sits at his desk. Ratbert enters carrying an apple and says, "Snack time, Dilbert! I brought you an apple so you will like me!" Dilbert says, "Nice try, Ratbert, but I don't want to eat something that was touched by a rat." Ratbert says sadly, "The worst part is that's why I didn't eat it myself."
Dogbert sits at the table and Ratbert stands on the table holding a paintbrush and palette. Ratbert looks at his easel and says, "I'm channeling all of my pain and hostility into my art." Dogbert says, "All I see is a bowl of fruit." Ratbert makes angry brushstrokes and replies, "The banana HATES the apple."
Man: I was an engineer before I moved to marketing.
Now I don't remember how to turn on my lisa,
Dilbert: You have an old lisa computer from apple?
Man: Old wife.
The Boss: "This apple will remind us of our CORE values: respect, customer service, and teamwork."
Dilbert: "The apple's core is the part you throw away."
The Boss: "Not always. Sometimes I accidentally eat it."
Dilbert: "Maybe the stem can represent our loyalty to the company."
Coworker: I'm the new bad apple. I'll be joining your project. In the interest of full disclosure, this is totally contagious. Wally: I'm immune, but not for reasons I'm proud of. Coworker: You must be Wally.
Dilbert: The bad apple you hired is ruining the rest of us. Boss: Just walk it off, you big baby. I want solutions, not problems. Ouch! Stupid bad apple! Dilbert: Walk it off.
Dogbert: Today I'll teach you how to innovate the way Apple, Google, and 3M do it. Replace all of your dimwitted employees with smart people... then fire yourselves. The rest is just blah, blah, blah. Boss: Should we be taking notes?
