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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 09, 1999's comic on:

Tags #can't control, #based on perfromance, #not a team player

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Dilbert and Wally are sitting at a table with notes and coffee in front of them and sitting opposite them is the boss. Wally says, "...And since our bonuses depend on things we can't control..." Wally continues, "...Can mine be based on the performance of some other company?" Dilbert and Wally are walking off and Wally says to Dilbert, "You ask one question and sussenly you're not a team player."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 08, 2011's comic on:

Tags #work ethic, #charged project, #accountants, #arsenic based life forms, #natural enemy

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Accounting Dilbert says, "You charged my project for expenses that aren't mine." Finance Troll says, "Let me see that." Finance Troll says, "We accountants are arsenic-based life forms. That makes you my natural enemy." Dilbert says, "That is not logical." Finance Troll says, "Live long and phospher."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 12, 2012's comic on:

Tags #10 million, #cloud start up, #social media, #venture capital, #location based, #flattering, #investment, #technology

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Venture Capital Dogbert: I need $100,000 for my location-based, social media, could start-up. Coworker: I'm not giving you $100,000 just because you spewed some buzz-words. Dogbert: The how about $10 million? Coworker: Wait... now it sounds like a good investment. How did you do that? Dogbert: I can tell you, but it won't be flattering.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 08, 1992's comic on:

Tags #Dilbert, #Dogbert, #logical, #conclusion, #scientific, #method, #science, #based

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Dogbert and Dilbert sit outdoors. Dilbert says, "Evolution must be true because it is a logical conclusion of the scientific method." Dogbert replies, "But science is based on the irrational belief that because we cannot perceive reality all at once, things called 'time' and 'cause and effect' exist." Dilbert says angrily, "That's what I was taught and that's what I believe." Dogbert replies, "Sounds cultish."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 12, 1996's comic on:

Tags #different religions, #flexible, #change relgion, #whole religion, #based on not dating, #Sunday, #Dogbert

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A woman at a desk tells Dilbert, "I'm flattered. But I can't date you because we're different religions." Dilbert says, "I'm flexible. I'd change my religion to get a date." The woman replies, "It wouldn't work in this case." Dilbert sits on the couch and asks Dogbert, "Did you know there's a whole religion based on not dating me?" Dogbert asks, "Where do you think I go every Sunday?"

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 13, 1999's comic on:

Tags #venture capitalists, #web based, #business, #engineer, #cool ponytail, #good enough, #money, #suitcase full, #engineering

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Wally stands in front of his cubicle with his hair in a ponytail. Two men in suits walk up to him. The dark haired man says, "Wally we're venture capitalists. We want to invest in your web-based business." Wally says, "I don't own a web-based business. I'm just an engineer with a cool ponytail." Man 1 says, "That's good enough for us." He offers a briefcase full of money. Man 2, who holds a fistfull of cash, says, "We like to get in early."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 14, 1999's comic on:

Tags #venture capitalists, #web based business, #lazy, #dishonest, #create, #accounting irregularities, #energy, #health

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Wally walks into Dilbert's cubicle holding a huge bag of money. Wally has long hair pulled back into a ponytail. Wally says, "Venture capitalists gave me money to start a web-based business." Dilbert says, "Do they know that you're lazy and dishonest?" Wally says, "It didn't come up." Dilbert says, "What'll you create... besides accounting irregularities?" Wally says, "That's all I have the energy for."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 22, 1999's comic on:

Tags #new ceo, #turnaround expert, #pleasure to meet, #business process, #value based, #management method

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Alice, the boss, Wally, Asok and a new guy with big sharp teeth and horns on his head are in a meeting. The new guy looks like the devil. The boss directs evryone's attention to him and says, "This our new CEO. He has a reputation as a turnaround expert." Asok says, "It is a pleasure to meet you. Do you favor TQM or more of a business process approach?" The new guy replies, "I'm partial to the value-based management method." Asok says, "I'm not familiar with that one."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 24, 1999's comic on:

Tags #turnaround ceo, #value based, #management, #perspective, #training dept, #exceeds cost

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A voice is asking the new CEO, who looks like the devil, "...From a value-based management perspective it's clear..." The voice is Tim who continues, "...That the training department's return exceeds the cost of capital... So please don't kill me." As Tim, barely in the panel is clearly off his feet, being tossed around, the boss says to Dilbert, "Okay, you're next... and begging doesn't work."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 27, 2001's comic on:

Tags #perfromance, #exceeds expectations, #underachievers, #extra money, #go get money

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Alice enters The Boss' office and says, "My performance exceeds expectations but my pay is based on market averages." Alice continues, "I figure some underachievers are getting the extra money that I earn." Alice continues, "Give me their names so I can go get my money." The Boss replies, "It's Wally."