all parties wearing face masks.
boss: i'm starting a whisper campaign against my rival in management. i want you to tell people he buys babies from the poor and eats them.
dilbert: no one is dumb enough to believe that.
boss: people will believe anything.
dilbert: not anything.
boss: yes, anything.
dilbert: fine. i'll try it, but only to prove how wrong you are.
office worker: how many does he eat per day?
dilbert thinking: i need a new planet.
Dilbert: According to my research on the internet, Plan B will work best. Boss: I'm rolling my eyes because you believe everything you read on the internet. Dilbert: I should take a picture in case someone ever asks me if ignorance has a tell.
Dilbert sits in a prison cell with a large man. The man asks, "What are you in for?" Dilbert replies, "I killed a man with an ear of corn. But I was provoked." A guard hands a tray of food into the cell and Dilbert says, "Hey, look! Corn for lunch. Can you believe that?" His cellmate looks frightened.
Dilbert and Dogbert sit at the table. Dilbert says, "Ten dollars . . . It's my final offer." Dogbert says, "Okay, but you can only use one hand." Dilbert pats Dogbert on the head. Dilbert says as he hands Dogbert ten dollars, "I don't believe this is now standard in the dog industry." Dogbert replies, "Oh, right, I suppose the others give it away."
"Have you summarized your accomplishments for our CEO?"
"Almost done."
"Okay - My body converts toxic waste into penicillin, I'm clairvoyant, and I invented wool."
"I thought sheep invented wool."
"Who are you gonna believe, them or me?"
Wally says to Dilbert as he pours himself a cup of coffee in the break room, "I'm thinking about going out on a fake disability claim." Wally and Dilbert are walking with a cup of coffee in hand. Wally goes on to say, "Do you think anyone will believe I'm disabled?" Dilbert replies sarcastically to himself without speaking, "It's hard to believe you're not." Wally enters The Boss' office and asks, "Do you need a note from my doctor?" The Boss replies sarcastically unenthused, "No, it's been obvious for a long time."
Wally asks Alice, "Do you want a good stock tip?" Alice says, "Are you asking me to believe you're a loser at every aspect of life except picking stock?" Wally and Dilbert are having lunch. Wally says, "That's not what I'm asking." Dilbert says, "It's implied."
Dilbert is sitting on his couch. Dogbert approaches and says, "I'm putting you on a strict 'need to know' basis." Dogbert continues, "And stay out of the crawl space under the house." Dogbert continues, "And don't believe anything you see in the news for about six months."
"This budget would only work if the project encountered no problems whatsoever."
"So?"
"All projects have unexpected problems. Therefore, this budget is almost certainly wrong."
"Leaders do not plan for failure."
"Do leaders make deceptive forecasts and later act shocked when things don't work out?"
"No."
"A leader first makes himself believe the lie, thus turning deception into an inspiring form of optimism. Observe."
"GAAA!!! BELIEVE! BELIEVE!"
"The swelling will go down in a few hours. Then we'll have a perfect budget."
"What?"
Tina: Ugh, Dilbert is on the project team? That guy doesn't believe in safety.
Man: Just out of curiosity, what evidence of that extremely weird allegation have you seen?
Tina: What evidence do you have that you exist? See? Anyone can do that.
