Benchmark Comic Strips
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12 Results for Benchmark
View 1 - 10 results for benchmark comic strips. Discover the best "Benchmark" comics from Dilbert.com.
Tuesday June 27,
1995
Tags #benchmark, #world class companies, #compare, #verbs, #nouns, #assign, #engineers, #field research, #pointy haired idioits
Transcript
The Boss says to Alice, "Alice, I want you to benchmark these world-class companies. Find out how we compare." Alice responds, "I'm betting they don't make verbs out of nouns. And I'll bet they don't assign engineers to do field research." Alice talks on the phone in her office. She asks, "Do you guys have any pointy-haired idiots running your place? . . . Would you like one?"
Friday June 15,
2001
Tags #time to market, #benchmark, #two hours, #stole hours, #good mother year
Transcript
Wally and Alice sit on either side of the Boss. Alice looks crazed and her eyes begin to twitch. The Boss says, "...And incrementally develop time-to-market benchmark framework..." Suddenly, Alice throws her arms up and screams out, "This meeting stole two hours of my life!!!" The Boss looks at her, then asks, "Did that help?" Alice, looking exhausted, replies, "Yeah, I'm good for another hour."
Wednesday February 04,
2004
Tags #new chip, #slower, #claim fastest, #benchmark test, #used old drivers, #wearing a wire, #marketing, #crime, #business
Transcript
Dilbert: "Our new chip is slower than our competition's products." The Boss: "We'll claim we're the fastest. If anyone does benchmark tests, we'll say they used old drivers." Dilbert: "Whenever I talk to you, I feel like I should be wearing a wire." The boss: "Since when is marketing a crime?"
Wednesday June 30,
2010
Tags #benchmark tests, #crumple paper, #throw, #problems, #solve, #product
Transcript
Dilbert says, "Our product placed last in our own benchmark tests." The Boss says, "I wish all of my problems were this easy to solve."
Sunday July 03,
2005
Tags #cubicle, #offcie, #meeting, #privacy, #geographically dependant, #benchmark test, #business
Transcript
The boss: "Dilbert, come to my office for a minute." Dilbert: "What's in your office?" The boss: "You and I will be there." Dilbert: "If you just want to talk, we can do it right here and save us both some time." The boss: "Maybe we need privacy, did you ever think of that?" Dilbert: "Do we need it?" The Boss: "No, that was just an example. There are many, many reasons why we should talk in my office." Dilbert: "I'll be fascinated to find out what kind of information is geographically dependent." The Boss: "Now, do you have the results from the Benchmark Tests?" Dilbert: "Yup. In my cubicle."
Tuesday October 03,
2006
Friday October 15,
2010
Tags #meeting, #customers, #trust, #board, #write, #lie, #raise hand, #business
Transcript
The Boss says, "How can we rebuild the trust of our customers? Let's brainstorm." Dilbert says, "We could stop using misleading benchmark tests to sell shoddy products that have hidden costs." The Boss says, "I heard someone say 'lie.' Let's write that one down."
Monday March 02,
2009
Tags #meeting, #presentation, #misdirection, #confused, #business
Transcript
Director of Marketecture Director of Marketecture says, "It is better to seem good than to be good." Being Good (overrated) Director of Marketecture says, "A misleading benchmark test can accomplish in minutes what years of good engineering can never do." Alice says, "Is it our maturity that makes that concept sound okay?" Dilbert says, "I hope so."
Sunday July 01,
2007
Tags #benchmarks, #global warming, #normally, #pleasent week, #polluter, #problem, #solution, #too hot to work, #work indoors
Transcript
The Boss: "Wally, did you complete the benchmark tests?" wally: "No." slurp The Boss: "Because?" Wally: "Global warming." The Boss: "What?" Wally: "Well, normally this would have been a pleasant week." "But thanks to you and your stupid SUV, it was too hot to work." "Remember, if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem." The Boss: "You work indoors!" Wally: "Said the polluter."
Sunday October 01,
2006
Transcript
"According to my benchmark tests, our product is the worst one on the market." "Maybe you can tweak the numbers." "Fake them?" "Fake is such an ugly word." "Just remember that your next raise depends on the sales of that product." "And mistakes happen. A decimal place can be either here or there." "All I'm asking is that you do the tests again...while drinking." "I always wondered what job satisfaction felt like."