The Boos, Dilbert and Wally sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "In Japan, employees occasionally work themselves to death. It's called karoshi." The Boss continues, "I don't want that to happen to anybody in my department." The Boss continues, "The trick is to take a break as soon as you see a bright light and hear dead relatives beckon."
The Boss: We've hired the Dogbert Ad Agency to give our company a new image.
Mark: AAAGH!
MARK: Sure, Sure...I"ll do it, but I'll have this expression the whole time. and just maybe I"ll complain behind your back!!
The Boss: Never mind, I'll do it myself.
Oh, right, keep the good assignment,
Dilbert is sitting in front of The Boss' desk. The Boss says, "Your project is cancelled. You'll be downsized in ninety days." The Boss continues, "Until then, feel free to wander around like a zombie." Dilbert walks past coworkers and thinks to himself, "I walk among them but I am not one of them."
The Boss: "We're outsourcing half of our programming work to Elbonia to take advantage of the time difference."
The Boos: "We'll hand off our requirements at the end of our work day and get back the finished code the next morning."
Elboninas: "Once again, I have no idea what they want."
"Let's pretend we died."
The Boss: Our CEO says he wants to change the DNA of this company.
Catbert: whats that mean?
The Boss: I don't know, It sounds medical. Im frightened.
The boos: Hold me.
Catbert: Keep your stale DNA away from me.
The boos: I can't find any highly trained job applicants who want an unpleasant work environment and low pay.
Catbert: I miss the old days where a man would build a skyscraper with his bare hands just to make you stop hitting him with a shovel.
The boss: Did they have a dental plan?
Catbert: yes. they called it duck!!
Boss: I stopped by to do some coaching. Dilbert: How's that work when the employee is more capable than the coach in every conceivable way? Boss: Let's start with your attitude. Dilbert: Said the angry guy.
CEO Meeting
The Boss: "I brought Dilbert in case you have any technical questions."
CEO: "What's the status on the technology platform migration project?"
The Boss: "Be completely honest. We have nothing to hide."
Dilbert: "Well, okay." "The project is like a hundred drunken clowns with bees in their underpants." "I expect the decline in morale to lead to violence."
"Most of us are only pretending to work while secretly hoping the project gets canceled after you get fired by the board."
"It turns out that we did have a few things to hide."
The Boss: "Asok, according to my spreadsheet, you have been doing a terrible job."
Asok: "Perhaps your spreadsheet is poorly conceived and does not capture the complexity of the real world." "And let's not forget the near certainty that your formulae are pointing to the wrong cells."
The Boss: "Numbers don't lie."
