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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 31, 2002's comic on:


Tags #bio metric, #security system, #checks pulse, #heat, #fingerprints, #Wally, #indentify

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The Boss introduces an employee, "Bob will demonstrate our new biometric security system." Bob motions towards the machine and says, "The system checks for pulse, heat and fingerprints to identify each employee." Wally puts his hand on the machine and says, "It says I don't have any of those things." Bob replies, "Are you the one they call Wally?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 01, 1992's comic on:


Tags #Dogbert, #singing, #square-dancing, #bluff, #slap, #checks, #write, #strangers, #spouse

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Dogbert stands on a stage holding a microphone and saying, "Swing your partner, dosey-do. Now clap your hands . . ." On the dance floor, people are square dancing. Dogbert thinks, "Uh-oh, that's all the square dance moves I know . . . I'll bluff the rest." Dogbert says, "Slap your partner in the face, / Write bad checks all over the place, / Flirt with strangers, annoy your spouse, / Get a divorce and lose your house . . . Uh . . . dosey-do."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 08, 1994's comic on:


Tags #telecommute, #high paying, #goals, #measured, #stay home, #mail checks, #direct deposit

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"I'd like a job where I can telecommute every day." "It should be high-paying yet have goals which can't be measured." "So, you'd stay home and we'd mail you checks?" "I was hoping for direct deposit."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 09, 1996's comic on:


Tags #touchy feely institute, #teamwork, #exercise, #trust, #son blank checks, #excellent quality, #other people should have, #health

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The Boss, Dilbert, Wally, Alice and Dogbert sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "I've hired the 'Dogbert Touchy-Feely Institute' to teach use about teamwork." Dogbert says, "We'll start with an exercise about trust. I want each of you to sign blank checks and give them to me." As they all hand Dogbert checks, Dilbert asks, "What will this teach us about trust?" Dogbert replies, "It will teach you that trust is an excellent quality for other people to have."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 01, 2003's comic on:


Tags #selective breeding, #produce offspring, #no biometric impression, #no pulse, #no fingerprints, #no dna

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Wally says, "For thousands of generations the males in my family practiced selective breeding." Wally continues, "The goal was to produce offspring that leave no biometric impression: no pulse, no fingerprints, no DNA." Dilbert asks, "Why?" Wally responds, "We like to ask, 'Why not?'"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 04, 2005's comic on:


Tags #date co owrker, #anything has pulse, #bed judgement, #restraining orders

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"Should I date a coworker?" "You should date anything that has a pulse, bad judgement and no restraining orders against you." "But she has to be hot." "Settle for "still warm.""

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 29, 2008's comic on:


Tags #loser, #achieves nothing, #reality, #winner, #realistic goals, #genous, #have a pulse

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Wally says, "Some people see me as a loser who achieves nothing." Wally says, "In reality I am a winner who knows how to set realistic goals." Dilbert says, "So you're sort of a genius." Wally says, "And yet my only goal was to have a pulse."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 24, 2009's comic on:


Tags #bonus checks, #giving, #present, #proving, #resentful

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Dilbert says, "We pooled our bonus checks and got you this gift." The Boss says, "It's empty." The Boss says, "Oh." Alice says, "Better luck next year."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 11, 1989's comic on:


Tags #knowledge, #electronic, #bluff

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Dilbert stands in a computer retail store. A boy with long hair says, "Welcome to Electrode Hut. I'm half your age, and I know more about electronics than you ever will. May I help you?" Dilbert replies, "Yes. I would like a half-dozen niad pulse converters and an anza brush." Dilbert asks, "Or am I bluffing?" The clerk wrings his hands and thinks, "This guy is GOOD."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 15, 1992's comic on:


Tags #Dogbert, #Dilbert, #television, #show, #healing, #dollars, #send, #money, #trick, #hair

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Dilbert asks Dogbert, "What did you do to your hair?" Dogbert's hair is styled in a pompadour. Dogbert replies, "It's for my new television show, 'Healing for Dollars.' People send more money if you have this kind of hair." A man and a woman sit on a couch watching Dogbert's tv show. The woman says, "It might be a trick." The man replies, "That's what I thought until I saw his hair." Dogbert says, "Checks or money order."