Dilbert: There was a consensus in that room that you're not important, so we started without you.
we hate you for disrespecting us with your lateness and we expect you'll be lost and confused by th rest of this meeting.
Alice: in summary, lateness is one of those things that doesn't work for everyone.
As a baby breaks through the egg shell Bob the Dinosaur yells, "Our baby!!" Bob says, "He's got my looks!" The baby says, "Hey, where am I? I'm confused." Dawn says, "He's got your brain, too!"
At the staff meeting, The Boss says, "From now on I'll be using the chaos theory of management." Wally, Dilbert, and Alice all have question marks over their heads and are confused. Wally says, "And this will be different how?" The Boss says, "Now there's a name for it."
Monster: Ha ha! We've made the tax code so complex that even God would be confused. God: Seriously, dudes? Dogbert: Please tell me you have an upstairs neighbor. Monster: i believe I do, but I haven't actually seen him.
CO Worker: "Did you look at my powerpoint presentation?"
Dilbert: "Yes, it's a confused jumble of useless information with a wino's spittle of unsupported conclusions."
Coworker: "Wino's spittle?"
Dilbert: "You heard me."
wally: "Gaaa! Our boss's is coming!"
Dilbert: "Where?"
Zoop
"Uh oh."
"Hello, head count."
Dilbert: "I need to run, tons of work."
"Why? Are you poorly managed?"
Dilbert: "No, we have everything we need! Everything is perfect."
"So... was your boss confused, lying or misinformed when he asked me for more funding for your budget?"
Dilbert: "Noooo! Ignore me! I don't know anything."
"Hmm."
"Dilbert says you don't communicate with the staff and don't need money."
Dilbert: "Phew! I'm glad that's over."
"Did you see all of the typos in Dilbert's e-mail?"
"Were you confused about its meaning?"
"No, that's not the point."
"Then I don't know what your point is."
"I think he should be more professional. That's all."
"So, instead of sending clear, efficient messages, he should follow your example and..."
"...Be a gossipy, critical, time-waster who values appearance over function?"
"Are you done hurting me now?"
"I'm saving a scoffing sound for when you turn to leave."
Dogbert's password recovery service.
Ted: I have so many passwords and email accounts and user names that I don't know what goes to what. I'm lost. If you can't help me I think I might snap. Dogbert: No problem. What's your password recovery PIN code? Noise: SNAP!
Dilbert: In my spare time I created some awesome new features for our product. Boss: GAAA!!! Shut the door! Dilbert: What?!! Boss: You fool! If my boss finds out you have spare time, he'll think we're overstaffed! You can never speak of these awesome new features again. Dilbert: I'm confused. You told me I need to go above and beyond my job description to get the highest performance rating. Boss: That's just something I say to keep you from getting a healthy raise. Dilbert: So... I lose no matter what I do? Boss: For what it's worth, you're doing better than our customers.
CEO: Our strategy is to increase market share. Dilbert: I'm confused. I spent all last year trying to decrease our market share. Was that effort wasted? Don't worry. Wally told me he has a good sense of humor. Wally: I'm not reliable.
