Search Results for "data aren't actionable"

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 02, 2000's comic on:

Tags #system failures, #data aren't actionable, #no practical value, #crime, #guilty, #feel awkward, #incident

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Ted says to Dilbert and Wally, "We had fifteen system failures with the previous software." Dilbert says to Ted, "Your data aren't actionable." Ted replies, "What?" Dilbert continues, "Your presentation has no practical walue." Ted throws his hands in the air in defeat and says to Dilbert, "Well, if that's suddenly a crime then call me guilty!" Wally says, "Now the meeting feels awkward can we go back to acting interested?" Dilbert replies, "I guess." Ted says, "Fine. Let's put this ugly incident behind us."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 09, 2013's comic on:

Tags #managers & supervisors, #obliviousness, #actionable anlytics, #big data, #new jargon, #accelrate, #business

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Boss: Do we have any actionable analytics from our big data in the cloud? Dilbert: Yes, the data shows that my productivity plunges whenever you learn new jargon. Boss: Maybe in-memory computing will accelerate your applications. Dilbert: Plunge, plunge, plunge.

Data Encapsulation

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Data Encapsulation - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 18, 2018's comic on:

Tags #inheritance polymorphism, #managing, #bullying, #data encapsulation

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Dilbert: Do you know the difference between data encapsulation and inheritance polymorphism? The boss: No. Dilbert: Then how can you manage someone who odes? The boss; Do you know the difference between managing and bullying? Dilbert: No. The Boss: Problem solved.

Bad Data

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Bad Data - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 03, 2018's comic on:

Tags #data, #information, #accuracy

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Boss: What does the data tell us to do? Dilbert: We only have bad data on this. Boss: Does the bad data suggest we should do what we wanted to do anyway? Dilbert: Well, yes. Boss: That's called "good data."

Massive Data Breach

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Massive Data Breach - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 07, 2018's comic on:

Tags #data, #facebook, #privacy, #apology, #statement, #big business, #lying, #damage control

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Dilbert: We had a massive data breach. Hackers got into the private data of all of our customers. Boss: No problem. We'll issue a press release that says we're sorry and it will never happen again. Dilbert: That's what we said the last three times it happened. Boss: Our strategy is to wear them down.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 08, 2011's comic on:

Tags #cartoonists, #ventriloquism, #writing, #hand puppet, #data overload, #ridiculous, #poorly written story, #case closed

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Police says, "We have a report of a pointy-haired boss being stunned by data overload, stuffed, and used as a hand puppet." Alice says, "That's ridiculous. It sounds like the plot of a poorly written story arc." Police says, "It sounds poorly drawn too." Alice says, "Case closed, right?"

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 20, 2011's comic on:

Tags #laziness, #meetings, #buddha jogging, #reliability stats, #data does not exist, #random numbers, #deep understanding of reality

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The Boss says, "Asok, get me the reliability stats for our previous model." Asok says, "I am fairly certain the data does not exist." The Boss says, "Wally can show you how to get it." Wally says, "Come with me." Wally says, "You start by typing random numbers into a spreadsheet." Asok says,"Then what?" Wally says, "Then you're done." Wally says, "All business data is intentionally misleading. I just take it to the next level." Wally says, "A deep understanding of reality is exactly the same thing as laziness." Asok says, "That can't be right." Wally says, "Have you ever seen a statue of Buddha jogging?"

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 16, 2011's comic on:

Tags #customer survey data, #marketing, #design, #engineering secret, #business

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The customer survey data is for marketing eyes only. design the next release and we'll tell you if its what everyone wanted. How long will it take? Dilbert: Thats an engineering secret.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 24, 2011's comic on:

Tags #gadgets, #scientific equipment, #data center, #lights out, #eliminate problems, #moving cables, #power cords, #ruining everything, #speakerphone, #humans are germs, #science

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Voice: The data center is evolving into a "lights out" operation. Employees will no longer be allowed in the data center. We hope to eliminate all of the problems that humans cause by moving cables, unplugging power cords, and ruining everything with their dirt and static. Dilbert: He makes it sound as if the data center is alive and we humans are nothing but germs. Alice: By the way, who called this meeting and who's on the speakerphone? Dilbert: Are you... the data center? Noise: CLICK. Dilbert: I have a bad feeling about this.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 01, 2011's comic on:

Tags #actions & defenses, #computers & peripherals, #internet & world wide web, #international data security standards group, #security prcedures, #bed sores

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Boss: Dogbert is chairing the international data security standards group. Dogbert: The goal of our organizations is to make your security procedures so inconvenient that you give up hope and die from bed sores. We take pride in being independent from the companies that fund us.