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Man tells Wally, "Request denied. The information services department does not upgrade non-standard computers." Wally says, "It's not an upgrade. It's a replacement." Man says, "Our policy is that it's an upgrade unless you discard the old one." Trash man tells Wally, "Your trash is declined. Our policy is 'no computers'."
A man enters Dilbert's cubicle shouting, "I'll make your life miserable! I'll thwart your every move!" The man introduces himself to Dilbert, "Hi. I'm the new sadist." Dilbert replies, "What happened to the old one?" The sadist answers, "He went to sadist paradise." Dilbert ask, "The auditing department?"
Boss: I'd like to reward you for your hard work by giving you a lateral promotion. I was going to hire from the outside, but I realized I can make you do the new job plus your old one. Dilbert: Is money involved? Boss: Yes! I'm saving a ton of it!
Wally tells Dilbert, "I'm not allowed to get a new computer until I get rid of this old one." Wally continues, "The janitor won't allow it in the trash; Union rules won't let me carry it to storage. So I built this catapult." Wally catapults the computer over the cubicle and says, "Like I always say, every problem has an engineering solution."
The Boss approaches Carol at her desk and says, "Carol, order a new chair for me. The old one lost its new chair smell." Carol responds, "Can I have your old chair? My chair doesn't roll anymore." The Boss replies tentatively, "'I'll try to say this tactfully. You're not important enough to sit in my smelly chair." Carol's eyes bug in offense.
Office relocation. Asok: Your new cubicle is less roomy than the old one. You will need this butter. Apply it liberally to your torso area and you can slide right in. But don't stay in there for more than 10 minutes at a time because it attracts rats.
The Boss: "Asok, I decided to give you a slight promotion!" Asok: "Gasp! A slight promotion!" The Boss: "The pay will be the same but you can make your cubicle slighlty larger by shaving the ragged fabric on the inside walls." "Your new title is spelled just like the old one but it's pronounced totally differently." "ZZZZZ"
The Boss says, "I hired a new poltergeist for our copy machine. Our old one got promoted to the server farm." Dilbert says, "Wouldn't it be better to not have any poltergeists?" The Boss says, "It's a union thing." Tina says, "May I please have my original back?" Poltergeist says, "I can't hear you. Put your face up close."
The Boss says, "Build a new server to replace the one with the corrupt operating system." Dilbert says, "That's what I'm doing right now." The Boss says, "Recover the data from the bad server and put it on the new one." Dilbert says, "That's the whole point." The Boss says, "Then see if you can reinstall the operating system on the old one and redeploy it." Dilbert says, "Do you have any instructions that are not blindingly obvious?" The Boss says, "This is called managing. The alternative is chaos." Dilbert says, "How did you just make chaos sound like a good thing?" The Boss says, "You should test the new server." Dilbert says, "Seriously, can we try the chaos thing?"
Woman says, "Please order a new stapler for me," Carol says, "Did your old one break?" Woman says, "Only in spirit." Woman says, "Every person who came into my cubivle picked it up and fiddled with it," Woman says, "At first I would wipe off the cooties and try to forget." Woman says, "In time my stapler became imbued with sorrow and desperation of every dead-ender that fondled it." Woman says, "I covered it with a plastic bowl and taped it to the desk so no fumes can escape." Wally says, "If you're wondering why your chair is warm, it's because I borrowed it for a meeting." Woman says, "What's the biggest bowl you can order?"